Follow up on my ‘open letter’

I had some questions on my open letter, posted on St Patrick’s day, one of my favourite days…
Most questions from my sister, others from me, and some from a commenter…

Yes, the letter was aimed at some one, it’s too personal not to be. But I’m afraid to say ALL of that to him, so the better (cowardly) option is to make all of you suffer through it.

No, I don’t still mean everything said in that letter.
Like, I’m not done… I don’t think I could ever be truly done with him.
I never though some one could get under my skin in a month or less, but he did, he embedded himself into me like a bad cold, and now I can’t get rid of him, honestly, I don’t really want to get rid of him. But I have to…

Why? Because he is leaving across the Atlantic (Or Indian, or some freaking ocean) in two days… And I don’t think whatever we had will ever last beyond that flight. Or beyond yesterday.

There’s this small romantic girl sitting in my head, reading this whole thing as a rom-com novel, rooting for him to stay behind for me, or for me to follow him home. But I’m realistic. It won’t work. It’s not even properly working now, with him here! Because I never know what he is thinking.
I don’t even know if he actually likes me, all the normal clues are there, but then all the clues pointing towards the opposite is also there!

So, now, I’m just sitting here, like a supporting character in my own movie, waiting for him to tell me what is going on, what is happening. Because I know there is no future what so ever for us, but I also know I would rather spend this last two days with him, remembering him, remembering ‘us’ than not see him before he leaves. And never seeing him again.
Because whether we use this last two days or not, I’m gonna hurt the same when he leaves…
My friend told me a story the other day… A boy heard his leg was being amputated, and instead of being sad about it, moping around the house for that last hours with his leg. He went out, had fun, used it!
So don’t amputated me before the time is here, use what you have, while you still have it…
There is a small part of me (I think that part is being influenced by the silly girl reading the rom-com) that fell in love with him, on the very first day, when he looked at me with that brown eyes and talked to me with that unbelievable accent.
But I over-ruled that part and the rom-com girl, I refused to fall for him, I knew he was leaving, and I knew he would never fall for me… That’s just not how life goes for me…

So now I’m standing here, alone, not knowing what is happening with us, with me.
It’s horrible, not having control of your own life, also, it’s amazing, feeling this way, not knowing how great the next moment could be.

Point is, I like him. In a ‘you make my heart beat faster’-way. In a ‘its fun spending time with you’-way. In a ‘can we just lay together and look at the stars’-way. Yes I sound all romantic and soppy and such, but point is, it’s difficult not to be….

He confuses me.

More than anything, that’s the main part of all of this… Confusion…

That silly part of me, wants to believe that he likes me as well, that that is why he is pushing me away, to not get hurt when he leaves. But as I say, that’s not how life works for me…

If some one has a crystal ball, please look into it and tell me I’m not crazy? At least not certifiable…

Love always,
Marlize

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2 thoughts on “Follow up on my ‘open letter’

  1. you are not crazy. he is. next time you see him, please tell him that izabela says “hello”. and be good girl, you deserve good things, we all do.

    1. He tells me I’m crazy almost daily… But I agree, I think he just might be crazy as well… I will tell him ‘hello’, if I see him, which I doubt, because he is leaving tomorrow and seeing me one last time is probably not very high on his ‘to-do’ list…
      Thanks for commenting… =]

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