My biggest fears…

I never thought of myself as person with crippling fears, sure there’s the spiders, grasshoppers and snakes.

But I don’t think one of them is enough to get me to freak out incredibly, I mean most of them can be resolved by just relaxing, getting rid of the anxiety rushing through your chest and backing of slowly, but we all want to react immediately, and that’s usually when they attack.

We watched Divergent last week (I watched it twice, it was THAT good), which would explain the fear conversation in my head. And I was thinking, what would come out if I were to be tested like Tris and Four…

I fear death…

I know most people do, but I fear it in two parts;

1- I fear my own death, not because of the actual dying part and the ‘what comes after’-scenario, but the part where I’m afraid of being forgotten… Which is one of the reasons I write… A friend once used the words; “in fifty years, a part of your soul will be on a bookshelf in some one’s house, and they will know you, or a part of you” THAT is why I write. To not be forgotten, to not just be another soul passing through. I’m not afraid to die, I’m afraid no one will remember me after…

2-I fear your death… Every one in my live, small or big part, will die some day… I know, believe me, I know… And I hate having that knowledge… Daddy died with no warning, it was a normal Saturday evening, and we, The Sister and I, went to a movie, because we didn’t want to spend another night with the parents… When we got back we played my mom a really funny song, and she said ‘remember to play that for your dad’ and I said, ‘yeah, yeah, tomorrow.’ I never got my tomorrow…

That’s the reason I fear your death, I fear that I will never get a tomorrow, I will never say all the things I need to say, and I think that’s why I get a bit too much some days or, on the other hand, why I get a little distant some days.

Life is unpredictable, I know that, and I hate that, so now I say what I want to say…

Sister, you mean the world to me, and I will NEVER love some one as much as I love you. NEVER.

Friends, all of you, you make every day better, with a shared smile, with an inside joke, with random acts that no one outside will ever get. I love you till the ends of the earth, that includes you, SweetyPie

Old loves, old friends, sorry about all the fights, maybe I meant them, maybe I over reacted, but if I needed you in my life, you would’ve been here now. I tried fighting for you, but you never fought to stay.

New loves, new friends, thank you for entering my existence, I think if I were to lose you now, I would miss you the most, as I had so little time with you. And still, it seems like it doesn’t mean as much to you as to me.

I don’t know how to cope with these fears, mostly, I hide them away, because that’s the easiest way of dealing with anything (and the worse way)

What is your fears, and how do you cope?

Love always,

M

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