Incapable of normality…

For so long, all I wished for is to fall in love and be swept of my feet…

For the first time ever, I am willing myself to open my eyes and realize that maybe this prospect is not for me…

You see, I was never the ‘boyfriend-girlfriend’ type of girl… Sure I had a few persons in my life before, but I once described them as ‘addiction’s to one of my friends, and I haven’t found a more suitable description yet…

My first BF, I got in high school, and three months in, I cheated on him with the guy who was my first kiss… Me and The Asshole (yes, that is his name, the guy who I cheated with) had a very confusing on-off thing going for most of high school, I fought so hard to make him love me, because I thought that’s what I wanted. There is enough people around to tell you he was one of my worst choices EVER…

When I finally got him,  just before we left high school, I was horrified. I was not ready for a long relationship, and the fact that he finally returned my ‘feelings’ freaked me out. I ran.

There was a few guys in between The Asshole and The Puppydog (his story is coming up), and I only now realized, I ran from the cute, sweet, romantic ones, straight into the arms of the horrible, non-commitment types. As if I wanted to doom the relationship before it even started. But any how…

The Puppydog, I met him just after high school, and he was probably my first glimpse at an adult-ish relationship, it sucked… He was so lovely, honestly, and I hated every second of it. The day I realized I had to break it of, was when he showed up at my door, after 2 hours on the road, with flowers, just for me, and I didn’t feel a thing, except annoyance, because now I had to actually talk to someone instead of binge-watching How I Met Your Mother…

I was single for quite a while after that, theoretically still am, but there was a few addictions along the way…

There was the Office Geek, who was so obsessed with his ex, I obviously thought he would be the best catch, and our first kiss was shared the weekend he got a new girlfriend… Awesome…

There was the Technician, who date one of my friends years ago, and with her permission, we went out a few times, and the night we shared our first kiss, he went back to share more with her…

There was a few other obsessions/mistakes along the way, the biggest and most recent of all was the Italian, whom I will never regret, but I do wish some days I weren’t so addicted to him as I were…

But my point I’m trying to make, is that I am faced with the sweetest boy ever, who on our first outing took me to feed giraffes at a roof top restaurant, and it was epic. But why do I not feel butterflies, why am I not woo’ed??? Do I need to be rejected to feel loved? Do I need to be treated like dirt to be into someone?

Then, after thinking I’m going insane, that I’m losing my mind, I realized something else… I don’t really care… I don’t miss having ‘someone’ in my life, I am perfectly happy alone…

I don’t miss the constant chatting, the sickly sweet gestures, the overly romantic gifts. The only thing I did miss in my single years was some one to hold onto, the physical side… And yeah, maybe the Italian, or the Asshole, or the Office Geek would tell you I was in love, but I’m starting to doubt in myself… In my ability to love…

I get irritated by sweet stuff, by compliments, even from the Italian, even from the Geek, who is the two guys I tried impressing the most, I wanted so much for them to notice my new hair, or my pretty dress, but when they did, it irritated me.

Maybe there is something wrong with me… Maybe this whole post is spiraling out of control and I actually have no idea what I am saying… Maybe I really am losing my mind… Maybe I did actually love those men of my past, but my way of dealing is convincing myself that I didn’t…

Well… This was a lot cheaper than a therapy session, but then again, now I have no one to give me feedback, and say, “no sweetie, you are not insane. Just mildly bonkers…”

Stay well…

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