I want a do-over!

I suck at this flirting thing…

Oh, yeah I know, I’m very good at the looking all adorable and smiling thing.

But the talking, being interesting thing to a stranger, nope. Not my forte.

There’s this dude… He is beyond adorable! But I can’t stop being me for three seconds to flirt with him…

Why is that a problem, you ask.

Well, stranger who probably don’t care, I am offensive. And sarcastic. And a bit self-involved. And not a perfect flirt.

I am a great person to be around once you get to know me, but until then, people struggle to get into my bubble, and I’m not very good at allowing them in.

Before I see him, I have this convo in my head, perfect, funny, flirting and I pretend that is what’s going to happen.

Then he is here, in front of me. That voice. That eyes. And I screw it up, I go on like I would with my friends, forgetting that I need to flirt and be all cute and shit.

Then he is gone, and I realize slowly that I messed it all up… Again.

Idiot!

So, I demand a time-machine, or a Rewind remote like Adam Sandler had, or just another visit from him…

Worst part, I don’t even have his number to apologize… But he has mine, and nothing….. NOT A WORD

Another funny story; I always have these daydreams where a guy asks me out and I refuse to take his number, because I want the suspense and the unknown, like old days =]

Well, I don’t want that any more. IT SUCKS!

*sigh*

I will make a plan to see him.

I will make plan to flirt.

And I will for once in my life try to be normal…

I lie… =]

But I will get my do-over, and not be loud, obnoxious and sarcastic…

Wish me luck!

Advertisements

This is me…

The past few weeks (months) I felt like I lost myself, like I lost ME… So instead of a love letter to people who ignore me, or a love story about my imaginary friends, here is a love letter to myself… All the things that makes me, ME…

You do you best…

I’m the girl who would rather spend time with her cats than with people

I’m the girl who loves going out, and sitting alone with a cup of coffee for three hours watching other people

I’m the girl who would rather spend five hours with one person, instead of one hour with five people

I’m the girl who likes to get drunk on cheap wine coolers as well as the girl who would never say no to that epic bottle of red wine or expensive gin.

I’m the kind of girl who likes to wear a dress and then come home and sleep naked, but then again, I’m also the kind of girl who would spend the entire day in her PJ’s binge watching Glee for the 10th time and crying every time Rachel and Finn breaks up…

I’m the girl who gets surprised when her (only) BFF asks her to be Maid of Honor

I’m the girl who says what I want, forgetting that not every one wants to hear every thought going through my head.

But, I’m also the kind of girl who says what you WANT to hear, because I am so afraid of letting some one down..

I’m the girl every one describes as a bitch, and I just think I’m hysterically sarcastic.

I’m the girl who doesn’t know her own favourite colour, but know for a fact if Oreo’s was a colour it would be that…

I’m the girl who thinks I’m fat and pretty in the same sentence.

I’m the girl who goes out to exercise once a month and diet one week a month and believe it will make a difference.

I’m the girl, at 23, who doesn’t know what she wants, where she wants to be or how to get there.

I’m the girl, who has been single for 4 years

I’m just a silly little girl, waiting for the world to give her a green light in the right direction.

Have a lovely day…

Never lose who you are….

Letting In, Letting Go

If you let people into your life a little bit, they can be pretty damn amazing.

Sherman Alexie

I shared the above quote with a long-distance friend yesterday, thinking it will have the same meaning to him as it did to me when I first read it.

To me it said, open up and let go, don’t be so uptight to let people see who YOU are, because when they get to know you, you get to know them, and chances are, they will be pretty epic… Not every one, of course, because there is some peculiar assholes in existence. But most of us homo sapiens are not so bad!

His only response… NO

After a protest from my side, obviously, I told him, there is different ways to ‘let people in’

You don’t have to LOVE them, or even let them love you. You can share, you can care, you can remember the small things.

A random message during the day because some one suddenly saw something that reminded them of me, means so much more than a big gesture, or a routine ‘good morning’-message.

You can let people in by letting go. Letting go of your presumptions. Letting go of your prejudices. Stop being so uptight about yourself.

There is so many useless little things standing in our own way. Stopping us from being happy and letting people see who we are, who we want to be in this world.

My weekly goal is to be more open.

To learn 1 new thing about the people in my life, and actually letting it mean something to me.

My monthly goal is to get 1 new friend. To let new people into my life, to be open to the possibility.

What’s your way to let new people in?

What’s your reasons for not wanting people ‘in’?

Wishing Wednesday…

Today I feel like I need a shooting star, or a meteor shower, or maybe a comet to the head…

Point is, there is some days where I just feel, maybe a wish is not gonna work, but wish anyway and see what happens…

So here is a few Wednesday Wishes, some silly, some real, most true.

  • I wish you were closer… Or at least reachable
  • I wish Daddy was a lot closer! Or, once again, reachable…
  • I wish I knew why I am sad so darn much
  • I wish I had more wine
  • I wish I could drink wine instead of water at work
  • I wish the copious amounts of water I am drinking instead of wine is gonna help with not going to the gym-issue
  • I wish I went to the gym more
  • I wish for a HUGE Four Cheeses Pizza, to share =] (#ReasonsIneedtogym!)
  • I wish my weekend dance partner contacts me
  • I also wish the extremely pretty girl in the pictures of him that I Facebook stalked is his sister
  • I wish for the new business to go to all heights
  • I wish my mom true true happiness
  • I wish myself and the sister more of that true true happiness
  • I wish for my muse to make her/his return and get this brain writing
  • I wish for my email server to collapse and delete all evidence of you/us, just to stop me from reading and rereading old emails.
  • I wish to not get over you, but to get used to not having you near by.
  • I wish I never get over you
  • I wish I meet some one as amazing as you, just with less issues
  • I wish my future winemaker husband (yes, he is completely unaware of the pending nuptials, and yes he actually has a GF,who I can’t wish into a sister) is the guy that will let me forget about you just 1%
  • I wish I was normal…  But then again, boring is normal…. I mean, normal is boring…
  • (Apparently, the water has a higher alcohol content than I thought…) =]

I hope that made sense to at least one person reading, because I lost track a while ago… =D

Any wishes for your Wednesday?

Love Always,

M

I can’t write…

I’m stuck, like an elephant in quick sand, I’m stuck.

Every time I sit in front of the PC, or pick up my journal, or try to edit my novel, or just think, okay now I’m just writing to get it out, every single time something stops me. Some one stops me.

You

The ghost of your presence

It’s horrible, quite honestly! I have always been able to write, since I realized that writing is my outlet, I wrote, about happy, about sad, about joy, about horror.

But since you left, I haven’t done much… Even my blog posts are up to shit…

I had a little (and by little I mean really big) breakdown last night and went into some unexplained hysterical crying fit, I was literally crying for 2 hours straight, with no motivation.  No explanation. Just a bottle of wine and really sad music, combine that with just a tad of PMS, and you have an uncontrollable girl, crying her eyes out alone in her flat…

Hopefully that bout of silliness got all of you out of my system, not because I want you out of my system, but it will probably be for the best…

Its horrible…

I will try writing (sense) again soon, till then, be good..

Love always,

M

Being absent…

Hey there lovely world 🙂

I apologize for being a bit on the non-communicative side of life, but I’m in Cape Town at the moment for a work thing, and it is beyond amazing…
I kinda wish I could stay here and forget about life.
Because that’s what this lovely city has been doing for me, making me forget about all that has happened the past month or two…
I still miss my international friends more that you would think possible and I simply cannot wait to see them again. But I have come to the realization, that I can’t waste my life away on sone one who can’t deem me important enough to send a 5 word email to the girl they left behind…
Was I that unworthy?

Love,
M*

My biggest fears…

I never thought of myself as person with crippling fears, sure there’s the spiders, grasshoppers and snakes.

But I don’t think one of them is enough to get me to freak out incredibly, I mean most of them can be resolved by just relaxing, getting rid of the anxiety rushing through your chest and backing of slowly, but we all want to react immediately, and that’s usually when they attack.

We watched Divergent last week (I watched it twice, it was THAT good), which would explain the fear conversation in my head. And I was thinking, what would come out if I were to be tested like Tris and Four…

I fear death…

I know most people do, but I fear it in two parts;

1- I fear my own death, not because of the actual dying part and the ‘what comes after’-scenario, but the part where I’m afraid of being forgotten… Which is one of the reasons I write… A friend once used the words; “in fifty years, a part of your soul will be on a bookshelf in some one’s house, and they will know you, or a part of you” THAT is why I write. To not be forgotten, to not just be another soul passing through. I’m not afraid to die, I’m afraid no one will remember me after…

2-I fear your death… Every one in my live, small or big part, will die some day… I know, believe me, I know… And I hate having that knowledge… Daddy died with no warning, it was a normal Saturday evening, and we, The Sister and I, went to a movie, because we didn’t want to spend another night with the parents… When we got back we played my mom a really funny song, and she said ‘remember to play that for your dad’ and I said, ‘yeah, yeah, tomorrow.’ I never got my tomorrow…

That’s the reason I fear your death, I fear that I will never get a tomorrow, I will never say all the things I need to say, and I think that’s why I get a bit too much some days or, on the other hand, why I get a little distant some days.

Life is unpredictable, I know that, and I hate that, so now I say what I want to say…

Sister, you mean the world to me, and I will NEVER love some one as much as I love you. NEVER.

Friends, all of you, you make every day better, with a shared smile, with an inside joke, with random acts that no one outside will ever get. I love you till the ends of the earth, that includes you, SweetyPie

Old loves, old friends, sorry about all the fights, maybe I meant them, maybe I over reacted, but if I needed you in my life, you would’ve been here now. I tried fighting for you, but you never fought to stay.

New loves, new friends, thank you for entering my existence, I think if I were to lose you now, I would miss you the most, as I had so little time with you. And still, it seems like it doesn’t mean as much to you as to me.

I don’t know how to cope with these fears, mostly, I hide them away, because that’s the easiest way of dealing with anything (and the worse way)

What is your fears, and how do you cope?

Love always,

M