Incapable of normality…

For so long, all I wished for is to fall in love and be swept of my feet…

For the first time ever, I am willing myself to open my eyes and realize that maybe this prospect is not for me…

You see, I was never the ‘boyfriend-girlfriend’ type of girl… Sure I had a few persons in my life before, but I once described them as ‘addiction’s to one of my friends, and I haven’t found a more suitable description yet…

My first BF, I got in high school, and three months in, I cheated on him with the guy who was my first kiss… Me and The Asshole (yes, that is his name, the guy who I cheated with) had a very confusing on-off thing going for most of high school, I fought so hard to make him love me, because I thought that’s what I wanted. There is enough people around to tell you he was one of my worst choices EVER…

When I finally got him,  just before we left high school, I was horrified. I was not ready for a long relationship, and the fact that he finally returned my ‘feelings’ freaked me out. I ran.

There was a few guys in between The Asshole and The Puppydog (his story is coming up), and I only now realized, I ran from the cute, sweet, romantic ones, straight into the arms of the horrible, non-commitment types. As if I wanted to doom the relationship before it even started. But any how…

The Puppydog, I met him just after high school, and he was probably my first glimpse at an adult-ish relationship, it sucked… He was so lovely, honestly, and I hated every second of it. The day I realized I had to break it of, was when he showed up at my door, after 2 hours on the road, with flowers, just for me, and I didn’t feel a thing, except annoyance, because now I had to actually talk to someone instead of binge-watching How I Met Your Mother…

I was single for quite a while after that, theoretically still am, but there was a few addictions along the way…

There was the Office Geek, who was so obsessed with his ex, I obviously thought he would be the best catch, and our first kiss was shared the weekend he got a new girlfriend… Awesome…

There was the Technician, who date one of my friends years ago, and with her permission, we went out a few times, and the night we shared our first kiss, he went back to share more with her…

There was a few other obsessions/mistakes along the way, the biggest and most recent of all was the Italian, whom I will never regret, but I do wish some days I weren’t so addicted to him as I were…

But my point I’m trying to make, is that I am faced with the sweetest boy ever, who on our first outing took me to feed giraffes at a roof top restaurant, and it was epic. But why do I not feel butterflies, why am I not woo’ed??? Do I need to be rejected to feel loved? Do I need to be treated like dirt to be into someone?

Then, after thinking I’m going insane, that I’m losing my mind, I realized something else… I don’t really care… I don’t miss having ‘someone’ in my life, I am perfectly happy alone…

I don’t miss the constant chatting, the sickly sweet gestures, the overly romantic gifts. The only thing I did miss in my single years was some one to hold onto, the physical side… And yeah, maybe the Italian, or the Asshole, or the Office Geek would tell you I was in love, but I’m starting to doubt in myself… In my ability to love…

I get irritated by sweet stuff, by compliments, even from the Italian, even from the Geek, who is the two guys I tried impressing the most, I wanted so much for them to notice my new hair, or my pretty dress, but when they did, it irritated me.

Maybe there is something wrong with me… Maybe this whole post is spiraling out of control and I actually have no idea what I am saying… Maybe I really am losing my mind… Maybe I did actually love those men of my past, but my way of dealing is convincing myself that I didn’t…

Well… This was a lot cheaper than a therapy session, but then again, now I have no one to give me feedback, and say, “no sweetie, you are not insane. Just mildly bonkers…”

Stay well…

Old love, young love, forgotten love…

My mind is just full of strange thoughts today, some of them about a boy, a guy I used to have in my life, and I’ve been thinking about him a lot these past days, more than I would like to admit…

He used to be my everything, like any teenage girl would feel about her first love, I chased him for about 2 years before he finally gave me the attention I required, and after a few months I left him. Even to me, that’s still one of the weirdest things I ever did. And usually, the closer it gets to May, the more I miss him, but I’ve realised something. I don’t miss HIM.

I miss the feeling…

The feeling of getting a message from him, out of the blue and knowing I was on his mind.

The feeling of looking out my front door, minutes after my mom left for work, and seeing his bike in front of the gate, ready to come and cuddle up next to me

The feeling of holding hands in public, and basically telling the world, look, some one choose ME

The feeling of getting to kiss him, whenever the whim struck

The feeling of spending the whole day together, and still needing more

The feeling of having someone to share the little things with

And after having some one in your life for 3+ years, it’s difficult not having them, even it was 3 years since I’ve last kissed him…

But you know what the worst part is; we didn’t end on good terms… And I hate that. I hate that I can’t tell our story without feeling a little tinge of ‘he was an asshole’ and he was… Because even though I was the one who finally did the break-up, he ended our friendship after that.

The last conversation I had with him went a little like this…

“Hey, sorry to bother you, but, ummm, my dad passed away, and, ummm I kinda need you now, because I don’t know exactly how I’m going to cope without you holding me together.”

“Hey, please leave me alone, I thought we were done.”

Cue the new waterfall of tears…

And that, along with the fact that he was a cheating scumbag, made me hate him, more than I ever thought I will. And it makes me sad, knowing that someone who meant that much to me, years ago, is not in my life any more…

This above story is also the reason why I try not ending anything on bad terms, I will fight, that’s a guarantee, but I will also probably make the first step to better things, because I hate that feeling of losing someone and knowing it ended badly.

I’m not sad that I lost him, I know now he was not some one I need in my life anymore, but I honestly hope that I never have to lose some one I care about that much again, in that way…

Some day I think life would’ve been better not meeting him at all, because then I didn’t have to live with the knowledge that someone like him existed in this world. Then there wouldn’t have been anything to miss. But I needed to meet him, to show me how to go on, how to survive, how to not need some one, how to be me, how to love, how to be.

Now I just need to remember that…

Thank you…

Follow up on my ‘open letter’

I had some questions on my open letter, posted on St Patrick’s day, one of my favourite days…
Most questions from my sister, others from me, and some from a commenter…

Yes, the letter was aimed at some one, it’s too personal not to be. But I’m afraid to say ALL of that to him, so the better (cowardly) option is to make all of you suffer through it.

No, I don’t still mean everything said in that letter.
Like, I’m not done… I don’t think I could ever be truly done with him.
I never though some one could get under my skin in a month or less, but he did, he embedded himself into me like a bad cold, and now I can’t get rid of him, honestly, I don’t really want to get rid of him. But I have to…

Why? Because he is leaving across the Atlantic (Or Indian, or some freaking ocean) in two days… And I don’t think whatever we had will ever last beyond that flight. Or beyond yesterday.

There’s this small romantic girl sitting in my head, reading this whole thing as a rom-com novel, rooting for him to stay behind for me, or for me to follow him home. But I’m realistic. It won’t work. It’s not even properly working now, with him here! Because I never know what he is thinking.
I don’t even know if he actually likes me, all the normal clues are there, but then all the clues pointing towards the opposite is also there!

So, now, I’m just sitting here, like a supporting character in my own movie, waiting for him to tell me what is going on, what is happening. Because I know there is no future what so ever for us, but I also know I would rather spend this last two days with him, remembering him, remembering ‘us’ than not see him before he leaves. And never seeing him again.
Because whether we use this last two days or not, I’m gonna hurt the same when he leaves…
My friend told me a story the other day… A boy heard his leg was being amputated, and instead of being sad about it, moping around the house for that last hours with his leg. He went out, had fun, used it!
So don’t amputated me before the time is here, use what you have, while you still have it…
There is a small part of me (I think that part is being influenced by the silly girl reading the rom-com) that fell in love with him, on the very first day, when he looked at me with that brown eyes and talked to me with that unbelievable accent.
But I over-ruled that part and the rom-com girl, I refused to fall for him, I knew he was leaving, and I knew he would never fall for me… That’s just not how life goes for me…

So now I’m standing here, alone, not knowing what is happening with us, with me.
It’s horrible, not having control of your own life, also, it’s amazing, feeling this way, not knowing how great the next moment could be.

Point is, I like him. In a ‘you make my heart beat faster’-way. In a ‘its fun spending time with you’-way. In a ‘can we just lay together and look at the stars’-way. Yes I sound all romantic and soppy and such, but point is, it’s difficult not to be….

He confuses me.

More than anything, that’s the main part of all of this… Confusion…

That silly part of me, wants to believe that he likes me as well, that that is why he is pushing me away, to not get hurt when he leaves. But as I say, that’s not how life works for me…

If some one has a crystal ball, please look into it and tell me I’m not crazy? At least not certifiable…

Love always,
Marlize

open letter…

(DISCLAIMER – this is a long letter, to no one… read at own risk. and I know the grammar and punctuation sucks. But then again, I’m the writer, so there must be a reason for the lack of punctuation…)
 
im done…
that’s what i told myself
but then why are you stuck in my head like a bad cold? 
this wasnt my imagination…
this wasnt in my head
ive read somewhere that love, feelings, infatuation, whatever you want to call it, is never completely one-sided. then why this? this hot and cold treatment? 
this run around with my infatuation for you.
u’re giving me whiplash..
u’re making me quote twilight!
why go out?
why make me dinner?
why go on with this silly correspondence?
if there is nothing? why not just leave me alone…
this wasnt my imagination…
this wasnt in my head
im not insane
but i AM DONE
im finished trying to understand
im done fishing with ur mind
and MOSTLY im done with whatever mad, mad game u are playing…
because, if i understand one of your million cryptic messages correctly,  I DO deserve better. i do deserve the ‘greatest gift’ from some one who is willing to give it to me. from some one who isn’t afraid. because love and feelings and all that will always scare everyone. but if u want something badly enough, you will go through the afraid. just to see what lies on the other side… and sure, if you have been to the other side and gotten hurt beyond repair, that afraid will seem thicker and harder to work through. but u cant throw every maybe and what if away…
people say they stay out of things, to not get hurt, to not hurt others. dont you think it hurts anyway? it hurts because u are so wonderful, and u give a fuck. u are so amazing and u dont care.
the most wonderful things could be waiting on the other side of that afraid… and im not saying that im something wonderful, because im not… but i couldve been. we will never know… u werent willing to give our maybe a chance.
but i was.
maybe too willing
maybe too into it from the get go.
im not insane…
this wasnt all in my head
you cant miss someone who meant nothing to you… 
and you meant something, obviously, otherwise, i wouldnt be missing you as much as i am…
this wasnt all in my head…
this wasnt all in my imagination.
but then again
this is what i do.
i build these things up in my head, and make them bigger and better.
then i start believing my head…
instead of reality
then my heart starts to follow, because my head tells it what a great idea it is.
And then I scare people of.
i freak them out, without even trying, because that’s what i do… because its in me to be over the top. to jump into relationships, even just a supposedly fun and flirty one, with everything. because i dont know how not to do that…
even when i know, in my head and heart, that i am not ready for my big, epic love. and that i know you are certainly not my big, epic love.
i still jump into the first sign of ‘like’ as if my life is depending on it… because, in all honesty, being addicted to you, to love, to heartache and heartbreak, is a whole lot safer, and healthier, than cutting, drinking and all the other useless things people get addicted to… 
I wanted a flirtation…
I wanted some fun.
but all my actions pointed to me wanting something more, something permanent. 
is this my way of ruining my own chances? is this how i safe my heart? by pretending to be overly in love, when i know its not what i want or need. 
then again…
maybe my heart knew something i didn’t. we didnt…
this letter is on the point of becoming pointless…
maybe because i know you will never read it, and i keep on writing in the hopes that the longer the letter, the bigger the chance of you seeing what is going on in this messy head of mine… 
God… every song i hear makes me think of you. why? why? why? why did we have to have so much in common?
why did you have to be so close to the guy i have been waiting for?
was this all just coincidence?
is God, faith, cupid, whatever, sitting up there laughing at me, thinking, as you are, that im some stupid little girl who actually though life was going in the right direction for her for once…
w
t
f
was this in my imagination…
was this all just in my head…
im sorry…
im sorry for thinking there was more.
im sorry for bothering you
im sorry about being so very ME
and lastly im sorry for everyone suffering through this letter…
I read somewhere once, rather regret the things you did, than the things you didn’t… 
i dont regret trying, but maybe one day you will regret that you didnt…
 
ive been thinking and i dont regret it, any of it, im sorry, sorry i made a fool of myself, sorry i thought i was actually worth ur time. but i dont regret it. i dont regret trying, i dont regret jumping when i shouldve waited. i dont regret being me, even if me was obviously not what u wanted. 
 
mostly… im sorry for being such a little girl… 
 
Maybe one day you will read this and know…
 
(this post was written a while ago… and who knows if i still mean everything said here. but it needs to get out. so I’m posting it on one of my favourite days, at my favourite time)

The last year…

I can’t remember when last I wrote, before last week, of course… Or what I wrote about, or what happened in my life at that time…

But here is what’s new…

– I ‘upgraded’ from being a bartender in the coolest restaurant in town, to being a manager/receptionist at the coolest restaurant in town.
– I got to know so many epic foreigners, America, Britain, Italy, Australia… This is why I love my job.
– My first Afrikaans novel lost in a writing competition, but I’m sending it out again soon!
– I discovered the fun of ‘flirting for the sake of flirting’
– I discovered the sadness of ‘flirting for the sake of flirting’
– I’m still writing, as much as possible.
– And reading even more…

It’s good to be back in the blogging thing, and I hope to not lose my groove again…

Have a great day, blogging world…

Love always,
Marliz3e

See, just, see…

It takes time,

it can be awhile…

But eventually

You will see…

I was there

Ready to fall

to pieces.

Wrong time, wrong place

I guess

But I can see.

Maybe I was foolish.

Simple, to pretend.

But I once heard

We are fated to pretend.

To do as is expected

To not care

But this is me,

Calling bullshit.

Every action,

I can see a little care.

Every word,

I can see a little care.

You care.

You care much more

Than you are able to pretend away…

I try to see.

I try to pretend.

Mostly I just pretend to see…

Trying to discover me

I haven’t blogged in ages…

But I don’t feel guilty, because I didn’t have anything to say. So I would’ve just babbled for the sake of babbling (and we all know I like to babble)

So I guess me writing this means I have something to say?

Correct!

I have discovered a few things about my self since the start of 2014 and I thought I have to write them down, as this blog is as much for me as for who ever is reading this hole in the web…

  • I love falling in love. With everything…
  • I am, apparently, an emotional self-mutilator, because as mentioned above, I love falling in love…
  • A taste for Jack Daniels, Italian coffee, frozen yogurt and cereal for breakfast has been developed.
  • I write a lot better than I think I do (and I have the pride to say it now. I still don’t think I’m the best thing since JK Rowling, but at least I believe in myself now)
  • Too little people understand the fun and art of old-fashioned letter writing.
  • Sleep and reading is two very very real addictions
  • And, lastly, I don’t want to fall in love…

*bombshell* 🙂

Try making sense of that, internet…

Love always,

Marlize