I can’t write…

I’m stuck, like an elephant in quick sand, I’m stuck.

Every time I sit in front of the PC, or pick up my journal, or try to edit my novel, or just think, okay now I’m just writing to get it out, every single time something stops me. Some one stops me.


The ghost of your presence

It’s horrible, quite honestly! I have always been able to write, since I realized that writing is my outlet, I wrote, about happy, about sad, about joy, about horror.

But since you left, I haven’t done much… Even my blog posts are up to shit…

I had a little (and by little I mean really big) breakdown last night and went into some unexplained hysterical crying fit, I was literally crying for 2 hours straight, with no motivation.  No explanation. Just a bottle of wine and really sad music, combine that with just a tad of PMS, and you have an uncontrollable girl, crying her eyes out alone in her flat…

Hopefully that bout of silliness got all of you out of my system, not because I want you out of my system, but it will probably be for the best…

Its horrible…

I will try writing (sense) again soon, till then, be good..

Love always,


Stuck in a fantasy

The last week and a half, I was in Cape Town, a first for me, and with out a doubt my new favourite place.

I fell in love with every bit of CT, Table mountain, the spectacular view from every corner you are at, the friendly people, the FOOD! God, the food!!! And, of course, the wine… I keep joking that I turned into a well-functioning alcoholic, but that’s not new news =]

I was amazed by how much good CT did my soul, sitting on Table mountain, drinking coffee with a raven for company and a view to die for. Sitting in a little hip street cafe with new friends and talking for hours about everything and nothing. Riding around on top of a tour bus, seeing every corner of CT without a care in the world. And writing… Not actual words on paper, still a bit blocked there, but the ideas forming in my head.

I will put up some photos later, for now I’m gonna try to not get yanked out of my fantasy mood =]

Love Always



Being absent…

Hey there lovely world 🙂

I apologize for being a bit on the non-communicative side of life, but I’m in Cape Town at the moment for a work thing, and it is beyond amazing…
I kinda wish I could stay here and forget about life.
Because that’s what this lovely city has been doing for me, making me forget about all that has happened the past month or two…
I still miss my international friends more that you would think possible and I simply cannot wait to see them again. But I have come to the realization, that I can’t waste my life away on sone one who can’t deem me important enough to send a 5 word email to the girl they left behind…
Was I that unworthy?


You’re not always right…

I’m a bit stuck in my writing ways (let’s blame it on my muse) and when I saw todays’ Write Now prompt, I knew it was meant to yank me out of my writing rut.

So here goes nothing…

Prompt – 

He closed his eyes and let his head loll back — he’s gotten it wrong again.


“You’re not always right, you know,” she jokes with a smile and takes a sip of her Jack on the rocks. They sit in silence, staring up at the stars as the words hang between them. He knowing it’s not a complete jest and her knowing it’s going to get a reaction sooner or later. He hates being wrong…
He sucks on the Marlboro hanging between his fingers and glares at her sideways, “yes?” he says, formed as a question, that could mean everything and nothing, and she knows he wants her to elaborate before he gives a reaction.
“You think that I’m just messing around, I’m not. I’m not serious, but I’m not messing around. And also, old man… I’m not a little girl anymore, I can handle myself.”
Another dose of silence follows, she hates this, he knows, but he enjoys seeing the frustration building behind that ever-changing greenish eyes of hers. He studies her faces, trying to get a read, but as usual, he comes up blank. He usually pretends his way out of these situations with her, going about as if he knows her thoughts, but not really having a clue, good thing for him is that she usually shares it sooner or later, sometimes without even knowing. 
Another drag on the Marlboro, another sip of Jack and then he speaks, noticing that her eyes are on the point of going bright green, a sure sign that she is getting annoyed, or horny. He could work with both.
“So your point, crazy cat lady?” 
She rolls her eyes and he hides a grin behind his whiskey tumbler.
“My point, grumpy old man, is that you shouldn’t make assumptions over what I’m feeling. I am NOT in love with you, who could be? You’re arrogant, you’re selfish, you’re stubborn, you’re pretentious and you NEVER show interest. And no, what just happen in there,” she jerks a thumb towards the bedroom, “doesn’t count as ‘showing interest’. It just means we were both here, and willing.”
 “Yes?” he replies and she slams her glass down on the table
“What does ‘yes…’ mean? Say something!”
“You are too young. And naive. It’s not a bad thing. But at this moment, it’s not a good thing.”
She close her eyes and lean back, her hand rubbing the small of her neck, a sure sign that she is gonna lose it soon. He traces a finger up the seam of her jeans, and scratches back down. He feels the muscles of her leg tightening and knows, he’s got her back. He hates it when she goes on these missions to try to figure out what is happening. 
He enjoys her, and that’s that, what more does she needs? And even if she needs more and won’t get it, he knows she won’t walk out of this room. She never has before…
She grabs his hand and their eyes connect over the table, through cigarette smoke and mist.
“I’m done, old man.”
And she’s gone… Bewildered he looks around, not believing she would leave. Not her. 
But it’s true, she got tired of his games… 
His head lolls back and he looks up to the sky, to the stars she loved so much.
He was wrong. Twice in one evening.
First, in believing she wouldn’t leave
and, secondly, in believing it wouldn’t hurt if she did…
“I’m done, old man,” her words echo in his head as he drowns her with Jack.
Please note, the above is FICTION… 
Love Always,


How can you be surprised

that I’m losing my mind?

How can you be shocked

that you don’t matter, no more?


You leave

me in radio silence

I die

every time I don’t see your name


I know

life is not fair

I know

I feel too much


I’m losing my mind

I’m losing me

I’m losing

something I never had



I’m crying

tears of joy

You still care

That’s what you say


I laughing


not wanting to show

how much it means


How can you be surprised

that I’m losing my mind

when you clearly

stole it from me


with that first touch

that last reply

that random smile

that awkward moment

that last goodbye


How can you be surprised?

that I’m losing my mind….


My biggest fears…

I never thought of myself as person with crippling fears, sure there’s the spiders, grasshoppers and snakes.

But I don’t think one of them is enough to get me to freak out incredibly, I mean most of them can be resolved by just relaxing, getting rid of the anxiety rushing through your chest and backing of slowly, but we all want to react immediately, and that’s usually when they attack.

We watched Divergent last week (I watched it twice, it was THAT good), which would explain the fear conversation in my head. And I was thinking, what would come out if I were to be tested like Tris and Four…

I fear death…

I know most people do, but I fear it in two parts;

1- I fear my own death, not because of the actual dying part and the ‘what comes after’-scenario, but the part where I’m afraid of being forgotten… Which is one of the reasons I write… A friend once used the words; “in fifty years, a part of your soul will be on a bookshelf in some one’s house, and they will know you, or a part of you” THAT is why I write. To not be forgotten, to not just be another soul passing through. I’m not afraid to die, I’m afraid no one will remember me after…

2-I fear your death… Every one in my live, small or big part, will die some day… I know, believe me, I know… And I hate having that knowledge… Daddy died with no warning, it was a normal Saturday evening, and we, The Sister and I, went to a movie, because we didn’t want to spend another night with the parents… When we got back we played my mom a really funny song, and she said ‘remember to play that for your dad’ and I said, ‘yeah, yeah, tomorrow.’ I never got my tomorrow…

That’s the reason I fear your death, I fear that I will never get a tomorrow, I will never say all the things I need to say, and I think that’s why I get a bit too much some days or, on the other hand, why I get a little distant some days.

Life is unpredictable, I know that, and I hate that, so now I say what I want to say…

Sister, you mean the world to me, and I will NEVER love some one as much as I love you. NEVER.

Friends, all of you, you make every day better, with a shared smile, with an inside joke, with random acts that no one outside will ever get. I love you till the ends of the earth, that includes you, SweetyPie

Old loves, old friends, sorry about all the fights, maybe I meant them, maybe I over reacted, but if I needed you in my life, you would’ve been here now. I tried fighting for you, but you never fought to stay.

New loves, new friends, thank you for entering my existence, I think if I were to lose you now, I would miss you the most, as I had so little time with you. And still, it seems like it doesn’t mean as much to you as to me.

I don’t know how to cope with these fears, mostly, I hide them away, because that’s the easiest way of dealing with anything (and the worse way)

What is your fears, and how do you cope?

Love always,


Having a small girl crush on Kacey Musgraves

I fell in love with this new country star last year, just before every one started noticing her (I know, how hipster of me =])

Here is one of my FAVOURITE songs…

And the lyrics to another…

It is what it is

I think were thinking to hard, 
To put on your shoes and get in your car, 
Put it in drive and point it this way, 
We don’t have to talk, 
You don’t have to stay, 

But I ain’t got no one sleepin with me, 
And you ain’t got no where that you need to be, 
Maybe I love you, 
Maybe I’m just kind of bored, 
It is what it is
Till it ain’t, 

We’ve tried being apart, 
But the truth is, 
We are who we are, 
Were so much alike, 
It ain’t a good thing, 
Too dumb to give up, 
Too stubborn to change

But I ain’t got no one sleepin with me, 
And you ain’t got no where that you need to be, 
Maybe I love you, 
Maybe I’m just kind of bored, 
It is what it is
Till it ain’t, 

Till something better comes along, 
Till what ever we have is gone

But I ain’t got no one sleepin with me, 
And you ain’t got no where that you need to be, 
Maybe I love you, 
Maybe I’m just kind of bored, 
It is what it is
Till it ain’t, 
Yea it is what it is, 
Till it ain’t, 

Any new music to share??

Love always,


300?! Holy crap on a cracker…

I just noticed something (she’s lying! She’s been waiting for this day all week!) Please ignore my irritating inner voice, she has no idea what she is talking (Does TOO!) Hush, now! Here, have a G’nT

The previous post was number 300!!!

All of this madness started almost exactly 4 years ago (3 May 2010) with this post, and boy did I go a long way from there…

I just want to say, thank you… To everyone reading, to everyone commenting, to all my different inspirations, to all my muses and mostly, to all those who actually think I’m worth something as a writer… Because these days, I don’t really think I’m worth a lot…

But the blog keeps me going, and after leaving it to hibernate for almost a year, I am so happy I started up again, so thank you…

Enjoy your Easter, lovely bunnies and keep reading, commenting and liking…

Love Always,


FWF – As she falls

Another FWF hosted by my favourite Miss Kellie Elmore

It was a picture prompt, the picture can be found here


The city around us, breaking

and as she falls

I know the moment is near

to share my thoughts


The streets around us, crumbling

and as she falls

I know the moment is here

to share my heart


The building around us, shaking

and as she falls

I know the moment will tear

me from you forever more


The tears are coming

and as I fall

I know the moment is now

‘I love you’


A whispers into nothing,

as you already fell 

with the city


for ever more


And as she falls

my tears on the dust

I die

with her

with you

as she falls

it’s over

before it began

A poem for love. “Show me the way to love.”

Now that’s some good poetry…. =]



Show me the way to love.

A Poem by Coyote Poetry


A poem written in 1979. Being young and hopeful is when we have no fear of disappointment.


                         Show me the way to love

I found her sitting alone on a Friday night.
Sipping a rum and coke.
I requested to sit with her.
She gave a half smile and told me.
“Seat is empty. I ain’t much company tonight.”

I sat with a sad blue eye beauty. Sitting alone at the Germany guesthaus.
Her long blond hair flowing down her back.
Leaning into a rum and coke like it was her last chance.

I bought her another drink.
I asked for her tale.
She smiled and whispered.
“Same old tale. Fell in love. Love was good. Then somehow the love
evaporated into the wind and nothing was left.”

We went to the quiet lake near the guesthaus and…

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