Incapable of normality…

For so long, all I wished for is to fall in love and be swept of my feet…

For the first time ever, I am willing myself to open my eyes and realize that maybe this prospect is not for me…

You see, I was never the ‘boyfriend-girlfriend’ type of girl… Sure I had a few persons in my life before, but I once described them as ‘addiction’s to one of my friends, and I haven’t found a more suitable description yet…

My first BF, I got in high school, and three months in, I cheated on him with the guy who was my first kiss… Me and The Asshole (yes, that is his name, the guy who I cheated with) had a very confusing on-off thing going for most of high school, I fought so hard to make him love me, because I thought that’s what I wanted. There is enough people around to tell you he was one of my worst choices EVER…

When I finally got him,  just before we left high school, I was horrified. I was not ready for a long relationship, and the fact that he finally returned my ‘feelings’ freaked me out. I ran.

There was a few guys in between The Asshole and The Puppydog (his story is coming up), and I only now realized, I ran from the cute, sweet, romantic ones, straight into the arms of the horrible, non-commitment types. As if I wanted to doom the relationship before it even started. But any how…

The Puppydog, I met him just after high school, and he was probably my first glimpse at an adult-ish relationship, it sucked… He was so lovely, honestly, and I hated every second of it. The day I realized I had to break it of, was when he showed up at my door, after 2 hours on the road, with flowers, just for me, and I didn’t feel a thing, except annoyance, because now I had to actually talk to someone instead of binge-watching How I Met Your Mother…

I was single for quite a while after that, theoretically still am, but there was a few addictions along the way…

There was the Office Geek, who was so obsessed with his ex, I obviously thought he would be the best catch, and our first kiss was shared the weekend he got a new girlfriend… Awesome…

There was the Technician, who date one of my friends years ago, and with her permission, we went out a few times, and the night we shared our first kiss, he went back to share more with her…

There was a few other obsessions/mistakes along the way, the biggest and most recent of all was the Italian, whom I will never regret, but I do wish some days I weren’t so addicted to him as I were…

But my point I’m trying to make, is that I am faced with the sweetest boy ever, who on our first outing took me to feed giraffes at a roof top restaurant, and it was epic. But why do I not feel butterflies, why am I not woo’ed??? Do I need to be rejected to feel loved? Do I need to be treated like dirt to be into someone?

Then, after thinking I’m going insane, that I’m losing my mind, I realized something else… I don’t really care… I don’t miss having ‘someone’ in my life, I am perfectly happy alone…

I don’t miss the constant chatting, the sickly sweet gestures, the overly romantic gifts. The only thing I did miss in my single years was some one to hold onto, the physical side… And yeah, maybe the Italian, or the Asshole, or the Office Geek would tell you I was in love, but I’m starting to doubt in myself… In my ability to love…

I get irritated by sweet stuff, by compliments, even from the Italian, even from the Geek, who is the two guys I tried impressing the most, I wanted so much for them to notice my new hair, or my pretty dress, but when they did, it irritated me.

Maybe there is something wrong with me… Maybe this whole post is spiraling out of control and I actually have no idea what I am saying… Maybe I really am losing my mind… Maybe I did actually love those men of my past, but my way of dealing is convincing myself that I didn’t…

Well… This was a lot cheaper than a therapy session, but then again, now I have no one to give me feedback, and say, “no sweetie, you are not insane. Just mildly bonkers…”

Stay well…

Seeing you…

Seeing you again..
Standing there,
as stunning as always
not giving a fuck
not caring
just trying to look impressive

Like always,
You just nod,
a small gesture,
I see you,
small person.
I acknowledge your presence

But then you smile,
That blue eyes light up
And I feel
Like I’m the only one
Who ever got that smile

Then I wonder
Why you left
Why we left
What we had
Years ago

High school love
Silly children things
But still
With that smile
That impressive body
That I can handle the world stance
I think I miss it
miss you
miss seeing you

I have forgotten
To remember all about you…
To remember you…

Seeing you again…
Better than I have ever
imagined

open letter…

(DISCLAIMER – this is a long letter, to no one… read at own risk. and I know the grammar and punctuation sucks. But then again, I’m the writer, so there must be a reason for the lack of punctuation…)
 
im done…
that’s what i told myself
but then why are you stuck in my head like a bad cold? 
this wasnt my imagination…
this wasnt in my head
ive read somewhere that love, feelings, infatuation, whatever you want to call it, is never completely one-sided. then why this? this hot and cold treatment? 
this run around with my infatuation for you.
u’re giving me whiplash..
u’re making me quote twilight!
why go out?
why make me dinner?
why go on with this silly correspondence?
if there is nothing? why not just leave me alone…
this wasnt my imagination…
this wasnt in my head
im not insane
but i AM DONE
im finished trying to understand
im done fishing with ur mind
and MOSTLY im done with whatever mad, mad game u are playing…
because, if i understand one of your million cryptic messages correctly,  I DO deserve better. i do deserve the ‘greatest gift’ from some one who is willing to give it to me. from some one who isn’t afraid. because love and feelings and all that will always scare everyone. but if u want something badly enough, you will go through the afraid. just to see what lies on the other side… and sure, if you have been to the other side and gotten hurt beyond repair, that afraid will seem thicker and harder to work through. but u cant throw every maybe and what if away…
people say they stay out of things, to not get hurt, to not hurt others. dont you think it hurts anyway? it hurts because u are so wonderful, and u give a fuck. u are so amazing and u dont care.
the most wonderful things could be waiting on the other side of that afraid… and im not saying that im something wonderful, because im not… but i couldve been. we will never know… u werent willing to give our maybe a chance.
but i was.
maybe too willing
maybe too into it from the get go.
im not insane…
this wasnt all in my head
you cant miss someone who meant nothing to you… 
and you meant something, obviously, otherwise, i wouldnt be missing you as much as i am…
this wasnt all in my head…
this wasnt all in my imagination.
but then again
this is what i do.
i build these things up in my head, and make them bigger and better.
then i start believing my head…
instead of reality
then my heart starts to follow, because my head tells it what a great idea it is.
And then I scare people of.
i freak them out, without even trying, because that’s what i do… because its in me to be over the top. to jump into relationships, even just a supposedly fun and flirty one, with everything. because i dont know how not to do that…
even when i know, in my head and heart, that i am not ready for my big, epic love. and that i know you are certainly not my big, epic love.
i still jump into the first sign of ‘like’ as if my life is depending on it… because, in all honesty, being addicted to you, to love, to heartache and heartbreak, is a whole lot safer, and healthier, than cutting, drinking and all the other useless things people get addicted to… 
I wanted a flirtation…
I wanted some fun.
but all my actions pointed to me wanting something more, something permanent. 
is this my way of ruining my own chances? is this how i safe my heart? by pretending to be overly in love, when i know its not what i want or need. 
then again…
maybe my heart knew something i didn’t. we didnt…
this letter is on the point of becoming pointless…
maybe because i know you will never read it, and i keep on writing in the hopes that the longer the letter, the bigger the chance of you seeing what is going on in this messy head of mine… 
God… every song i hear makes me think of you. why? why? why? why did we have to have so much in common?
why did you have to be so close to the guy i have been waiting for?
was this all just coincidence?
is God, faith, cupid, whatever, sitting up there laughing at me, thinking, as you are, that im some stupid little girl who actually though life was going in the right direction for her for once…
w
t
f
was this in my imagination…
was this all just in my head…
im sorry…
im sorry for thinking there was more.
im sorry for bothering you
im sorry about being so very ME
and lastly im sorry for everyone suffering through this letter…
I read somewhere once, rather regret the things you did, than the things you didn’t… 
i dont regret trying, but maybe one day you will regret that you didnt…
 
ive been thinking and i dont regret it, any of it, im sorry, sorry i made a fool of myself, sorry i thought i was actually worth ur time. but i dont regret it. i dont regret trying, i dont regret jumping when i shouldve waited. i dont regret being me, even if me was obviously not what u wanted. 
 
mostly… im sorry for being such a little girl… 
 
Maybe one day you will read this and know…
 
(this post was written a while ago… and who knows if i still mean everything said here. but it needs to get out. so I’m posting it on one of my favourite days, at my favourite time)

FWF-Its clear to me…

A post for Free Write Friday, hosted by Kellie Elmore

Free Write Friday wtih Kellie!!

Here is your FWF prompt:

I didn’t understand it then, but I understand it now…

Dear Diary..
Its one year now, since I had that miscarriage, and I haven’t written to you since that fateful day.
I was sad, I was depressed, I was worse than ever. I thought my life would end as well.
To me, that little baby meant a future with Paul, an existence, a glimpse at being a family, something I have never had before.
Paul said he was happy, that day when I peed on a stick. He smiled with me, went to the doctor with my, was happy with me. But a week before the miscarriage, something happened, something horrible, that I didn’t want to tell even you about, because I wanted it to be untrue.
Paul left. In the middle of the night, with a bag of clothes, all our money, most of the food and not even a note for me.
I cried. I wept. I took to the bed for about 3 days. Then I remembered my baby. I had to get up for her (I was so sure it was a girl), I had to live for her.
So I got up, got a second job, and then my girl also left the world.
I was devastated. I thought the whole world hated me, God had turned his back on me.
First my long term boyfriend deserts me in the middle of the night with a baby and no money. Then that baby also deserts me. Like she knew, even before she came into this world, that I was not worthy of her.
I kept hoping, Paul will come back for me, he has to, he loves me. He said so a million times, every day since we met, he told me he loved me, and four years later, on the verge of getting married, he left me. I was sure he would come back. But no. He stayed away…

I couldn’t understand what the world was trying to tell me, with all of this horrible things happening in my life. Then Jake walked into the coffee shop one day. A wonderful looking man, sweet, kind, gorgeous, and we fell in love, on first glance. It was everything Paul and I never were. I was so used to being the good, serving housewife type, it took my awhile to see how amazing it is to be taken care of, instead of taking care.

And now I’m engaged, and pregnant with a baby boy, due in five months…

Life worked out for me, diary, life turned itself around, and now instead of wondering why everything went wrong, I thank God that it did…

*Everything in this post is fiction…*

Hope you like it =]

Love always,
Marlize

Forever is very long…

Tara closes her eyes, takes a second for herself and remembers. Remember the sweet moments, the bad moments and everything in between.

Her love for him surprised her more than she thought possible. She was sure it was just a flirtation, just some fun until she had to go back home after her holiday.

But then she realised, with quite a big shock to her system, how much it all meant to her.

“Morning, love…”

She opens her eyes, looks into the icy blue depths of Alex’s eyes.

Alex…

Such a sweet boy, a British boy, all she thought she wanted…

Poor boy, not aware that the object of all his affections is lost in love with a man in another city, another country, another continent.

“Morning, you’re up early.”

“The sky was awake, so I was as well,” he jokes and gets into bed next to her, pulling her mostly naked body tight against his.

A gesture that makes her sad, makes her remember, makes her want to forget, about the few nights she had with HIM…

Why couldn’t Andrei have listened to her and stayed away? Why did he have to be so amazingly perfect, and get under her skin, and upset her whole planned out world.

She feels Alex’s hands roam her body, looking for a sign, an invitation. But she deepens her breaths and relax her body, pretending to be asleep is way easier the pretending her way through another orgasm…

~~~

With lunch behind them, and a few hours on the beach, working off pent-up energy, they sit on the veranda of her cabana, she wishing to be alone, he wishing to get closer.

Tara takes out her phone and without thinking about it, automatically refreshes the emails. With a ping from her phone, her faces lights up for a few seconds, before she sees it is only spam and not Andrei.

She knows she asked him not to contact her, to have a clean break, but did he have to choose this moment to listen to her? Every minute, hour with an empty inbox is torture… Is he not missing her?? Missing them?? Wishing for her to be back in Italy with him? Or was all that happened not as perfect and beautiful as her mind led her to believe?

Then, a hotel attendant comes walking along the beach, towards her, and Tara gets her hopes up, maybe he called Front Desk, maybe he sent her a letter? The attendant hands her a big, wrapped box, addressed to Miss Tara, Cabana 3o3, Berry Island Hotel. Her go-to get away when the world and all its emotions overwhelm her.

“What is it?” Alex asks, and Tara looks up, surprised and slightly annoyed to find him across from her. Didn’t he leave yet…?

“I dunno, how bout you go get us some cocktails and I find out.”

“Sure,” as he gets up, he aims a kiss at her mouth, but ends up with a mouth full of hair, as she turns her head away, not even aware that he tried to kiss her.

With Alex gone, she starts struggling with the wrapping on the box. She opens it and smile, sad, happy, overwhelmed.

The box is filled with letters, and various small bottles of her favourite alcohol and, as she dig through the packing peanuts, a book right at the bottom. His favourite John Green, filled with notes and highlighted quotes.  Taped to the top of the box is a letter with the number 1 on top of it.

She opens it, and read slowly, as if to savor every letter, every word.

Missy
How can I miss someone I’m not in love with, this much? 
It wasn’t suppose to be this way. 
It was suppose to be easy
A Holiday fling
But now you are gone
And I’m still here
And I miss you more than possible
This box is filed with letters, on letter for every day without you and a few extra for days still to come.
I’m not allowed to say this
I know
But I have to say it, or I’ll implode
 
I love you
ur eyes
ur body
ur hair
the way u don’t give a shit
that drunken giggle
the way u respond
all of u
 
Forever,
Andrei
 

With a shaky hand, Tara wipe the tears from her face as Alex comes back.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, cocktails in hand.

“You need to leave… I’m sorry… I’m done playing. I lost my heart five months ago and I need to save it. Even if I can’t get to him, and love him. I can’t be with anyone else at the moment.”

“It’s that Italian, isn’t it?” he asks, his face not as angry as she expected it to be.

“Yes…” she answers, all her pain,  her hopes, her love caught up in one, small word.

“He’s at the beach bar. Waiting for you…”

Wishing on a star….

Today is the first Magic Monday of the year!! And I already had a few ideas for wishes throughout the day…

But first let me introduce you to the newest blog regime, it is not that different, but there is a few new ones!! =]

Magic Monday… An old one, I make wishes, some silly, some not… But all things I would like!!

Check-’em Tuesday… I have been wanting to ‘spotlight’ some of my fav blogs and place on the web for a while now and now I have given myself a place to do that at!

Watching Wednesday… This is like Wordless Wednesday, but with a few words. This post will consists mostly out of pics!

Darn Thursday… I struggled with a name for this one! But yeah, this is what I came up with… But basically it is a best and worst of the week…

Fiction Friday… Explanation unnecessary

Simple Saturday… This will be my random day. I can do what I want, but mostly it will be a randomness blog post!

Resolution Sunday… Here I will discuss the ‘upholding’ of my resolutions, which I will put up sometime this week!

 

And that is the new regime!!!! =]

Now unto the theme of the day…

I wish….

  • There was more guys like him, who respect and understands my views, but still has the guts to disagree!
  • I could muster the self control to eat less
  • There was more money in my bank account
  • My mom the best birthday ever tomorrow
  • My PC isn’t screwed
  • TO stop thinking about the past
  • To forget him once and for all, because it ain’t doing me any good

My wishes for this week….

Please note… This regime is mere guidelines, I know I can’t blog every day [not as long as my PC is screwed] and will there fore post when I can, and will just ignore the theme passed…

 

Love you all and thanx for reading!!!!

Beware!!!! [a guest post]

Hello, my name is Mark. Many of you know me as “The Idiot” who writes the blog The Idiot Speaketh. Marlize has asked me to write a guest blog for her, for about the 12th time this year, which of course, I am always happy to do for her. [I am sure it is not THAT much, and if it is. Then it is his own fault for commenting so much . But don’t stop!!]

Marlize, like most 19yr old women, is having a few issues in the “guy” department at the moment.

While Johan is her physical father…

I am her online Father… [he truly is…]

And if you are a living and breathing South African male in the 18-23 [one of them is 24, does that include him in the hit list?] yr old range, and you happen to hurt my online daughter Marlize…. I WILL hunt you down and will HURT you!!

Marlize is one of the happiest, upbeat, and most positive women you will ever hope to encounter. [awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww]She loves to laugh and giggle. If you are unable to make her laugh, you might as well leave now. You will never be worthy of her, and if you truly do not make her laugh, I WILL hunt you down and will HURT you.

She is very devoted to her family. She has a loving Mother, Father, and older Sister. All are excellent rugby players. I have it on good authority that the sister and Mother both crippled men in the past during particularly rough rugby matches. Translation: If you hurt Marlize, her family WILL hunt you down and will HURT you.

She has an office full of co-workers that all love and adore Marlize. Marlize is way too professional to get tangled in a relationship with a co-worker, so if you are a co-worker, and you have any dreams along that line, you might as well give up now. If not, you know the drill, I WILL hunt you down and will HURT you!

Marlize will make one of you an excellent girlfriend. She will probably be the best girlfriend you will ever have. But just know this…..

She chats with me often…

and will tell me everything….

yes…everything…. [LOL, this is true…]

I have many friends and have many resources at my disposal.

Even though I am thousands of miles away…

I WILL hunt you down and will HURT you.

Make my little girl happy!

Or else!!

Sincerely,

The Idiot  (Marlize’s Online Dad) [I love this post soooo much!]

 

[Thanks Mark! This post was accounted to the fact that Mark was my 950th commenter, which means the next one is BIG!!! A 1000 comments… =] All remarks in THIS colour is my opinion]