Old love, young love, forgotten love…

My mind is just full of strange thoughts today, some of them about a boy, a guy I used to have in my life, and I’ve been thinking about him a lot these past days, more than I would like to admit…

He used to be my everything, like any teenage girl would feel about her first love, I chased him for about 2 years before he finally gave me the attention I required, and after a few months I left him. Even to me, that’s still one of the weirdest things I ever did. And usually, the closer it gets to May, the more I miss him, but I’ve realised something. I don’t miss HIM.

I miss the feeling…

The feeling of getting a message from him, out of the blue and knowing I was on his mind.

The feeling of looking out my front door, minutes after my mom left for work, and seeing his bike in front of the gate, ready to come and cuddle up next to me

The feeling of holding hands in public, and basically telling the world, look, some one choose ME

The feeling of getting to kiss him, whenever the whim struck

The feeling of spending the whole day together, and still needing more

The feeling of having someone to share the little things with

And after having some one in your life for 3+ years, it’s difficult not having them, even it was 3 years since I’ve last kissed him…

But you know what the worst part is; we didn’t end on good terms… And I hate that. I hate that I can’t tell our story without feeling a little tinge of ‘he was an asshole’ and he was… Because even though I was the one who finally did the break-up, he ended our friendship after that.

The last conversation I had with him went a little like this…

“Hey, sorry to bother you, but, ummm, my dad passed away, and, ummm I kinda need you now, because I don’t know exactly how I’m going to cope without you holding me together.”

“Hey, please leave me alone, I thought we were done.”

Cue the new waterfall of tears…

And that, along with the fact that he was a cheating scumbag, made me hate him, more than I ever thought I will. And it makes me sad, knowing that someone who meant that much to me, years ago, is not in my life any more…

This above story is also the reason why I try not ending anything on bad terms, I will fight, that’s a guarantee, but I will also probably make the first step to better things, because I hate that feeling of losing someone and knowing it ended badly.

I’m not sad that I lost him, I know now he was not some one I need in my life anymore, but I honestly hope that I never have to lose some one I care about that much again, in that way…

Some day I think life would’ve been better not meeting him at all, because then I didn’t have to live with the knowledge that someone like him existed in this world. Then there wouldn’t have been anything to miss. But I needed to meet him, to show me how to go on, how to survive, how to not need some one, how to be me, how to love, how to be.

Now I just need to remember that…

Thank you…

FWF – The story behind her eyes…

Time for another Free Write Friday post, hosted by the lovely Miss Kellie Elmore

Here is your FWF prompt:

Tell me about this girl…

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It was almost closing time when she came in, the kitchen was already closed, as it was minutes past midnight, and there was only one or two tables left.

“Sorry miss, kitchen’s closed.” I said as she walked over to the corner booth.

“I just want tea,” she said, her eyes on the table, her words so soft I had to lean in to hear them.

I walk to the counter and make the tea, tired after 12 hours on my feet, and I look at her while the water boils. Her waist length black hair is hanging like a curtain around her, shielding her from the world, her thin frame is hunched over the table, bundled up in jackets. 

Then she looks up, and the world stands still. Her eyes are soft grey, and sad, the kind of sad that makes you want to cry along. She makes eye contact very briefly and looks away into the corner, so intrigued by the piece of wall, I had to look over to make sure there wasn’t another world over there.

“Here’s your tea, miss.”

I put the tea down, a bit harder than necessary and a few drops spills out, drips onto her hand. But she doesn’t even flinch, or react at all. Then I notice all the other marks on her hands, cuts, burns, blister, rope burns. She is still looking at that piece of wall, like there is a movie playing just for her.

“What are ya lookin’ at?” I ask before I can stop myself.

She looks up to me, straight into my eyes, and I feel my heart beating faster, the eye contact is holding, more than just a few seconds this time.

“Don’t you see it?” She replies, that same soft voice, making me lean in to hear the words.

“What?” I ask, confused.

Then she shakes her head, just slightly, and looks up to me again, “Thank you for the tea.”

I walk away slowly, not sure what just happened, or what I will do if I stand around any longer.

“Do you know her?” I ask the shift manager, leaning against the counter on her elbows

“Ethan, dear boy, don’t.”

“What??” I ask, offended.

“She does this, makes people fall for her, with that sad eyes, and that breaking vulnerability, but she’s fierce, and weird, and a little bit crazy.”

“Aren’t we all?”

“Tsk, tsk, tsk, you’re already in there… all the way. She’s bad news.” 

I shake my head at Clare’s silliness and walk over to Grey Eyes again, “ya still all right over here?”

She looks up, there’s the eye contact again, “perfect… Just lonely. Sit?”

I can hear the question mark after the word, but the look in her eyes is making it feel like an order. I look around the cafe and notice that all the other tables left. I sit down, slowly, afraid I might startle her. She looks like a dove that could scatter with a single pebble thrown at her.

“You don’t see it do you?”

She looks at me, but not like before, almost past me, to another world, another universe. Her eyes get really big, horribly big as she sees something, only she can see, just over my shoulder.

“See what?” I ask, imitating her soft voice, once again, scared of startling her.

“All the souls… Hanging out here… They want to go… But they don’t know where… I should help them… I tried… That’s why… They needed an out… I was helping…” She’s talking in short, nonsensical sentences.

Then she touches my hand and look up into my eyes. For a second it was just her and me and then as she blinked, the whole cafe filled with people. Not people, actually, these semi-solid floating figures. All sad, some still suspended in the act that caused their death, others just hanging, not sure what to do, where to go.

I look at Grey Eyes, and turn around, trying to look for Clare, but I can’t see anything through the figures. 

“Why do you see them? Why do I see them?”

She looks at me, her head cocked to one side, like she’s trying to understand my question and then her reply comes, almost inaudible.

“Because I killed them…”

This was one of those stories that started as one thing, and then escalated, very quickly in to something else with no control…

It’s not my best work, but I was just sick of writing love stories, and I wasn’t in the mood to write a tragic story. So I made her a murderess… I might just be certifiable after all =]

Love always,

M*

Remembering who I am…

This past few weeks, months, I’ve gotten so carried away by life, by everything, that I forgot to take a second for myself…

And when I have a second, I numb my brain with music and books, to keep from thinking, because if I gave myself a few seconds of silence, I would’ve noticed, I’m busy losing me…

I’ve been described as a few things, most recently and frequently, crazy, but there is two things that always stood out, and when I heard them I thought, Yup, this is who and what I want to be for the rest of me.

The first one came from one of my first boyfriends’, he told me, almost daily, “you’re like a flower-child, I can’t look at you and NOT be happy.”

Then there was this one time when me and my SuzyPie weren’t as epicly good friends as we are today, and she told one of our other friends, in response to the question why she doesn’t like me, “she’s always bubbling, this jumping, happy-go-lucky giggly thing.” (or something like that) and this was supposed to be an insult, but I loved it… That some one who wasn’t in contact with me that much, thought of me as this extremely happy person, made me even happier…

But the last few weeks, I misplaced my inner flower-child, I don’t know exactly why or where, but I feel her seeping back into my system, slowly, inch by inch.

I realized that these things I fixate on, is making me crazy, stealing my happiness, kidnapping my flower-child.

So, I’ve made an active decision to not have bad things in my life, either change them, or lose them.

I need to get my flower-child back, I need to remember who I am, who I like myself to be.

Love always,

M*

 

What to believe…

The reasons I’m missing you, has nothing to do with the fact that you are not here, or that I fell in love, or that you are not contacting me.

Okay, it might have something to do with the lack of communication.

But mostly, it has to do with all the things you made me believe in. All the thing you made me believe about myself.

You made me believe that I am good, and that I deserve good things in life

You made me believe that Jack and music can fix almost anything (and now I crave Jack more than anything)

You made me believe that it is near impossible to wake up with out a good proper cup of coffee – a very expensive habit

You made me believe that words aren’t always needed, but that actions can’t always be trusted

You made me believe that I am better than dating a 50-year-old, just because he’s the only one interested.

You made me believe that I could actually write… well, you believed in me, and now I believe as well

And then you left… Now I’m not sure what to believe. Because for the first time in a very long time, I allowed myself to hope…

To hope that all you made me believe was true.

And now I’m pretty sure I was just a roadmarker on your way, and I’m okay with that.

I’m not happy, I’m not perfect, I’m not satisfied. but I’m okay.

Because this was a silly flirtation, and I was a fool, for believing in you… Of all the things I believed, that you actually cared, that was the most foolish one of them all.

I hope you miss the silly little girl, at least just a little bit. Because this is me, giving up on believing in you…

 

5 Thing Friday! You should give it a try…

So the five things I felt the need to bring under your attention is things you should try, maybe not today, but SOON!!

  1. Pimms N0. 1 Cup – I tried this today (for the first time!) and fell in love. Head first, head over heels, in love. Gosh!!! It’s bloody Brilliant!!!Porch Swing; I pretty much just want to sip fancy fruity drinks by the pool and read with friends all summer long.
  2. Campari – On ice, with just a slice of lemon – This one got introduced to me by Robbie the Foreigner, and, fuck me, it’s amazing!! How I have missed this, my whole life, I haven’t the faintest. But now I have discovered it, and need it daily!!!Americano. This drink was a favorite of American expats during Prohibition. Prior to then it was known as the Milano-Torino, for the cities where its two main ingredients were first made: Milan (Campari) and Turin (sweet vermouth).
  3. Rainbow Rowell – I discovered Eleanor and Park by accident, and halfway through the book, I think I might just like Rainbow Rowell almost as much as John Green!Eleanor and Park by Rainbow Rowell
  4. Being strong… I don’t do this enough, and wish I could. But this week I seriously needed to put my big girl panties on, and be strong. And now, its almost a week, and I’m alive. Some People Think That To Be Strong Is To Never Feel Pain.
  5. Letting go and just enjoy… Letting your inner child take control and making memories, without thinking about the what if’s, the tomorrows, the maybes. Just doing, because it seems like a great idea.Inner Child - The secret of genius ... is to carry the Spirit of the Child into old age.

People vs. Alcohol

Wow, that sounds like an extremely alcoholic title… But, stay with me for a second and you’ll understand.

Last night, struggling to enter the wonderful world of sleepiness, The Sister and I started comparing people to drinks, mostly alcoholic drinks, and it got quite interesting…

Here’s my list of comparisons, and the rather funny explanations… Also, this is a judge free zone, and meant to be funny…

  • The Sister – I have 2 comparisons for her, 1st – A nice glass of water – because I need it daily, a few times a day, and without it I would probably die. And 2nd – A Cosmo – Cute, perfectly made, and not much bite at first, but go on long enough and she will show you who’s boss
  • The Mother – A shot of Jagermeister – You’re not always in the mood for it, you don’t want it every day. And if you have to have it, you do it quickly. But then when it’s done, you realized it was not that bad
  • The Aunt and Uncle – The perfect bottle of Red – You struggle to find time for it, and when you have it, you try to savor every sip/second
  • The Neighbours (also known as the Best Friends) – A bottle of good bubbly – You can have it every day, on special occasions, for no reason, or for every reason. Just always good to have, and always there for you.
  • The Best Friend (also known as SweetyPie) – That perfect milkshake – You don’t get it everyday, but you get regular cravings for it, and when you have it, its wonderful =]
  • Robbie (also known as The Foreigner) – Jack Daniels on the Rocks (double of course) – It’s potent, it can knock you out, or keep you just on that happy level, and it’s best when you savor it, slowly and with care. It’s effect on you can be unpredictable, and the best way to enjoy it, is impulsively…
  • The 50 YO – Cheap rum – It’s not really good for anything except distraction and mindless entertainment when all other sources are out…
  • Me – A Gin and Tonic – Not to everyone’s taste. A bit different. Got a little bite to me. But if you like it (me) it’s the perfect thing after a long day… =D (and also, it’s my favorite drink, so why not) or that perfect cup of espresso –  a shock to the system, and only good if treated (made) right

So there’s my little funny ‘people are actually just drinks that came alive’-theory… Any comparisons of your own?

Feel free to play along =D

Love always,

Marliz3e

Monthly Recap – February and March 2014

So far, 2014 is my favourite year yet…

In January me and The Sister went on holiday, and I discovered how amazing being near the seaside could be for my soul. I now know, officially, that as soon as I am a famous published author, I want to move to the sea.

In February, I got a promotion, and now I’m a manager along side The Sister at the BEST restaurant/guesthouse I know of. Good pay, good hours, good people. And more time to write…

I also met, The Foreigner – who I’m now calling Robbie, as he reminds me of Robert Pattinson in Remember Me, and also, he is the last person on earth I would call Robbie. So that’s his name now. =D

During February and March, Robbie exposed me to some brilliant things, like the best Tuna Pasta I EVER had, how amazing Jack Daniels on the rocks can be, how much worth Italian coffee has, how difficult it can be to watch a movie and NOT break the predetermined rules, how important memories can be, that I suck at Air Hockey as well as Ten Pin Bowling, and mostly, no matter how much you tell yourself you are not going to fall in love, some times your heart just won’t listen.

But, he also taught me, perhaps without even knowing it, that I am an amazing young lady (or little girl) and I shouldn’t let anything come in the way of my future, as no one but myself can determine how my future looks like.

In March, I pushed some unwanted attention out of my life (now and further more known as The 50 YO) but, then he did something I will never forget, he helped me, financially, to get an Online Writing course…. So, now I am officially part of a writing course and I owe The 50 YO… Something that is both amazing and horrible at the same time, cause I hate owing people, especially him….

Other things that occurred…

– I discovered John Green, and fell in love with his books, his writing, his characters, his everything…

– I rediscovered how amazing Keane is, and now listen Somewhere Only We Know,  Sovereign Light Cafe and Everything Changes almost every day…

– I discovered Lucy Spraggan and Kacey Musgraves, both amazing singers and songwriters.

– I became an aunt!!! Well, sort of, our best friends, also known as The Neighbors, became parents to the cutest little boy!! And for me to fall in love with a baby is amazing, as I am not your best ‘baby-person’. Mostly, I like most cat’s more than any people.

– I learned that falling in love and being in love isn’t always the same thing…

– March turned out to be a great month, above all expectations, even if it’s not finished yet…

What was your favourite part of the year so far?

Love always,

Marliz3e