open letter…

(DISCLAIMER – this is a long letter, to no one… read at own risk. and I know the grammar and punctuation sucks. But then again, I’m the writer, so there must be a reason for the lack of punctuation…)
 
im done…
that’s what i told myself
but then why are you stuck in my head like a bad cold? 
this wasnt my imagination…
this wasnt in my head
ive read somewhere that love, feelings, infatuation, whatever you want to call it, is never completely one-sided. then why this? this hot and cold treatment? 
this run around with my infatuation for you.
u’re giving me whiplash..
u’re making me quote twilight!
why go out?
why make me dinner?
why go on with this silly correspondence?
if there is nothing? why not just leave me alone…
this wasnt my imagination…
this wasnt in my head
im not insane
but i AM DONE
im finished trying to understand
im done fishing with ur mind
and MOSTLY im done with whatever mad, mad game u are playing…
because, if i understand one of your million cryptic messages correctly,  I DO deserve better. i do deserve the ‘greatest gift’ from some one who is willing to give it to me. from some one who isn’t afraid. because love and feelings and all that will always scare everyone. but if u want something badly enough, you will go through the afraid. just to see what lies on the other side… and sure, if you have been to the other side and gotten hurt beyond repair, that afraid will seem thicker and harder to work through. but u cant throw every maybe and what if away…
people say they stay out of things, to not get hurt, to not hurt others. dont you think it hurts anyway? it hurts because u are so wonderful, and u give a fuck. u are so amazing and u dont care.
the most wonderful things could be waiting on the other side of that afraid… and im not saying that im something wonderful, because im not… but i couldve been. we will never know… u werent willing to give our maybe a chance.
but i was.
maybe too willing
maybe too into it from the get go.
im not insane…
this wasnt all in my head
you cant miss someone who meant nothing to you… 
and you meant something, obviously, otherwise, i wouldnt be missing you as much as i am…
this wasnt all in my head…
this wasnt all in my imagination.
but then again
this is what i do.
i build these things up in my head, and make them bigger and better.
then i start believing my head…
instead of reality
then my heart starts to follow, because my head tells it what a great idea it is.
And then I scare people of.
i freak them out, without even trying, because that’s what i do… because its in me to be over the top. to jump into relationships, even just a supposedly fun and flirty one, with everything. because i dont know how not to do that…
even when i know, in my head and heart, that i am not ready for my big, epic love. and that i know you are certainly not my big, epic love.
i still jump into the first sign of ‘like’ as if my life is depending on it… because, in all honesty, being addicted to you, to love, to heartache and heartbreak, is a whole lot safer, and healthier, than cutting, drinking and all the other useless things people get addicted to… 
I wanted a flirtation…
I wanted some fun.
but all my actions pointed to me wanting something more, something permanent. 
is this my way of ruining my own chances? is this how i safe my heart? by pretending to be overly in love, when i know its not what i want or need. 
then again…
maybe my heart knew something i didn’t. we didnt…
this letter is on the point of becoming pointless…
maybe because i know you will never read it, and i keep on writing in the hopes that the longer the letter, the bigger the chance of you seeing what is going on in this messy head of mine… 
God… every song i hear makes me think of you. why? why? why? why did we have to have so much in common?
why did you have to be so close to the guy i have been waiting for?
was this all just coincidence?
is God, faith, cupid, whatever, sitting up there laughing at me, thinking, as you are, that im some stupid little girl who actually though life was going in the right direction for her for once…
w
t
f
was this in my imagination…
was this all just in my head…
im sorry…
im sorry for thinking there was more.
im sorry for bothering you
im sorry about being so very ME
and lastly im sorry for everyone suffering through this letter…
I read somewhere once, rather regret the things you did, than the things you didn’t… 
i dont regret trying, but maybe one day you will regret that you didnt…
 
ive been thinking and i dont regret it, any of it, im sorry, sorry i made a fool of myself, sorry i thought i was actually worth ur time. but i dont regret it. i dont regret trying, i dont regret jumping when i shouldve waited. i dont regret being me, even if me was obviously not what u wanted. 
 
mostly… im sorry for being such a little girl… 
 
Maybe one day you will read this and know…
 
(this post was written a while ago… and who knows if i still mean everything said here. but it needs to get out. so I’m posting it on one of my favourite days, at my favourite time)
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Too good to be true

That’s sorta how I feel today…
Not in a bad way, or in a depro way, or even aimed at just one thing…
There is just so many good, fun things in my life at the moment, that I can’t help but sit and wait in anticipation for the shit-creek to hit me…

And in this mood even the baddish things, don’t seem so bad…

The good, happy, fun things include…
– Salary increase
– New car for The Sister
– Discovery of great new music
– Discovery of new movies
– Writing almost daily, even if its just a poem, or a letter, or one chapter in the ever evolving novel…
– Watching movies with good company
– Having semi-adult ‘sleepovers’ =]
– Being…
– Losing weight, slowly but surely
– Dyeing my hair

The bad things, that seems not so bad in the hazy golden glow of happiness…
– Being used by someone twice my age (and kinda kicking him out of my life… Which would explain how this seems ‘not so bad’)
– Knowing my movie-watching company is going back home soon…
– Not feeling all that ‘pretty’ these days
– Seeing The Sister sorta sad about lost-and-found love
– Not writing as much as I want to
– Financial issues with The Mother that just never seem to get finished…
– Not getting any compliments on the newly dyed hair

As I’m reading these over I realize how very ‘high school’ I sound, but then again. That was a simpler time, when salaries and groceries and work haven’t made an appearance yet. Now I’m sitting at work, writing and being happier than I ever was in high school…
And I think its simply because I don’t allow the little things in life screw me up anymore. I go with it.
Yes, some days I will drink too much Jack, and lose about 3 hours in which I (apparently) freak out about all the little things. But in my general, daily happiness, I don’t let these things have an effect on my. Because I am ruling this life of mine.
This is my movie, and my script won’t allow it…

Find something to be happy about today.
That two seconds of smile, of childish happiness, is so amazing, it could just change your whole day around…

Love always,
Marliz3e

Recapping January

So I got this idea of doing a recap of every month from one of my blog friends – MikShorty
here is my attempt, late as per usual…

Things that stood out…
– Losing weight by simply being healthier
– Eating sushi for the first time ever
– Getting my Samsung S3 mini
– Reading 10 books towards my 100 book challenge
– Reading Hunger Games for the first time!
– Finding my ‘groove’ at work
– Staying up 24 hours just to watch the Golden Globes live(and planning to do the same for the Grammy’s and the Oscar’s)

The books that made this month good…
– The Casual Vacancy – JK Rowling
– The Goddess of the Rose – PC Cast
– The Hunger Games – Suzanne Collins
The whole list of books read can be found here…

The movies that made this month good…
[This is just the list of movies that I watched in the month and a quick opinion on the movie. Some movies will be new, some will just be new to me… enjoy :-)]
– Silver Linings Playbook… I loved this movie (mostly because Jennifer Lawrence is amazeballs…)
– The Vow… Cute movie, but a totally useless ending…
– New Year’s Eve… Nice movie, not sure if I’ll watch it again, but I did enjoy it
– Playing for Keeps… We really wanted to watch a movie, this was our choice, epic mistake… Boring, predictable and a waste of time.
– Pitch Perfect (I think we watched this either late December or very early January, but it still counts) I loved this movie, the silly jokes, the dialogue, the songs, the storyline. Everything…

New loves…
[This will be the list of things newly discovered/rediscovered by me that I am loving at the moment)
– One Direction – this is a judgement free zone
– Pinterest
– My S3 mini
– All things Android
– Sushi
– Walking
– Meat Free Mondays
– Positivity
– Water 🙂
– Mumford and Sons
– Of Monsters and Men
– 2nd hand book shops
– A Very Potter Musical
– Sundresses
– Hats (only worn with my sundresses)

New hates…
(This is my save, judgement free space to mention the things that is irritating me this month)
– Dumb people… I am saying this in the nicest way possible, but dumb people irritate me, a lot! It’s like some people get out of bed in the morning and decide ‘let’s not use my brain today’
– Taylor Swift’s love life… Don’t get me wrong, I adore Tay – Tay, but all of these jokes and attention over her love life is making me sick. Let the girl have a bloody life!
– Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber… Just break up already!!!!

And that is my month of January….

Love,
M*

Randomnessssssss

I realized something today… Most of the blogs I read is of  ‘older people’ [don’t get me wrong you guys, I love reading about your lives!!]

I JUST tallied up my blogroll… The results are in, blogs around my age… 11.

Blogs by people from about 25… 19

Not such big a difference actually. And I just somewhere between counting blogs and typing about blogs lost my point for this post! So I will just continue being random!! =]

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Today is the 19th, which means only SIX days till Christmas, it also means only SIX days till I see the coolest cousin in the whole world! =]

The dorky looking one on the right is me, the blonde, cute one is her! I absolutely adore her! And I just realised I haven’t gotten her a gift yet! [GASP] ***Need to go shopping NOW****

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I just realised I haven’t done a resolutions update in a while… Let’s fix that!

  1. Write a little every day! Poems, flash fiction, fiction. Anything. Just write! I wrote!! Well I re-read my story to get the feel of it back, but at least I made a move towards it!!
  2. Blog every day!! Umm, I’m not sure, I blogged semi-reguraly, and I double posted most days, I am sure it counts each other out! =]
  3. Journal everyday, or every two days. But VERY regularly!Nothing, I didn’t even LOOK at my journal! =[
  4. Stop fighting for no reason and admit when wrong……..Nope…. I fought…
  5. Read every day. Slipping up on this one!
  6. Postcross and pen pals, more regular!!I didn’t sent any letters or cards, but then again, I didn’t receive any either…
  7. Eat a bit healthier.Uhhh, yeah, let’s try this next week! =]
  8. EAT BREAKFAST!!I did this! Every day this week! =]
  9. Exercise at least every other day. Nope… One day this week!
  10. Go to bed by ten pm. Nope, but I’m not at work anymore, so I think this one is null and void until next year!
  11. NO junk food… [I’m going to struggle here]I did eat take-aways, but they were semi healthy. Let’s not count the KFC…
  12. ONE sweet per week.Less than usual, but cookies in the house is very evil!!!
  13. Cut out ALL the negativity in my life, get rid off the ‘bad’ people, draw the ‘good’ ones closer.Well, I stopped talking to the ‘bad ones’
  14. Stop being negative!!I still don’t believe in me… So no.
  15. Do not suppress emotions. But DO think before speaking. I am more honest, and I think before I speak!! =]

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I will try to journal tonight and post the pages tomorrow

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If you still want to read my protected post, you are welcome to. Just email me for the password [marliz3e@gmail.com]

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Enjoy your Sunday! [Now I want a sundae]

=]

Almost Christmas!!!

Tomorrow is the 1st of December!

WOW!!! Where did this year go??? Before I [finally] put up a journal page… Here is the Top Ten Things I want for Christmas!! =]

  1. A laptop… LOL
  2. A BlackBerry
  3. A Webcam [okay now I’m done with the tech stuff!]
  4. A snazzy new handbag!
  5. BOOKS!!!!
  6. Harry Potter Box set DVD’s!
  7. HIMYM DVD’s
  8. A week-long vacation with the Sister!
  9. Small pretty things…. [Lol, I like random pretty things Okay!!!]
  10. A new duvet set!

Weirdest list ever…. What do you wish for this Christmas??

Now, a journal post!!!

#21

This one is all about guilty pleasures… I named my page “I secretly Love….” so I went with that rather than guilty pleasures, but it’s all the same!!

I KNOW Glee is a secret nor guilty pleasure, but how can I NOT put it in???

Hope you have a great day!!!

Love!

It was Bloody Brilliant!!

In case you don’t have me on FB and didn’t read the hundred statuses about me going to watch Harry Potter 7 last night, I went to watch HP7 last night!!!

And the only possible words to describe it is BLOODY BRILLIANT!!!

I had my doubts…. Because a lot of people said it didn’t live up to their expectations, but to me it was amazing!!! But my professional opinion later!

Sister!!

The evening began on the drive, I made us [me and Sis] a mix CD with some chart topping songs which got us straight into a party mood and little could burst my bubble!

Me!!!

When we got to Clearwater Mall we discovered that a whole bunch of new shops opened up since our last visit there and after we got our tickets we went exploring and searched for a great place to have dinner. But before we could even think of dinner Sister discovered Marcels, a FroYo place….

My love for Frozen Yogurt is still to be discovered so I settled for dark chocolate ice-cream while sis enjoyed Vanilla FroYo. The best part of that, except the chocolate, was my Yum card! Its a card where, once it is full of stickers, I get a free small tub of ice-cream! Rewards for eating ice cream??? I’m in!

We then decided on Juicy Lucy for dinner, a sweet lace with the greatest breakfast!! But I decided it was WAY too late for breakfast breakfast, so I decided to order a Bacon Cheesa [rye bread with bacon and YUMMY cheese sauce] while sis ate a bacon and chicken wrap!

I just realized how weird all that sounded as dinner!!! =]

Finally it was time for HP!!

I promise no spoilers!

I loved every moment of the movie…

It was very true to the book, not so very rushed liked the 6th movie, although the time went by WAY too fast, and before I knew I was crying and the movie was done! [If you read the books, you would know why I was crying, if not, I promised no spoilers!]

There was perhaps one part that wasnt in the book, but otherwise every important part was there, they did a great job with filling in the blanks the previous movies created, and what I loved the most was the dialogue, it was unbelievably true to the book!

One thing that I didn’t like, like most people, was the ending! It was very sudden… But it had to happen, other it would’ve been a six-hour movie, or a very vague movie! So kudos to Warner Bros to making it so very amazing!!!

Who watched it already?? What did you think???

Love!

M

Pretty little snapshots!!

Hey!!!

So…………………..

I am back!!! Lol I think I curse myself every time I assure you all that I am FINALLY back on a regular basis!

But FOR NOW I am back. I even have a journal page to prove it!!

Prompt 18…

snapshots of your life…

I really like this page, but I think it is mainly because I enjoy drawing Polaroids! =]

So yeah! Whaddya think???

I am not the best company these days… I don’t know what is wrong with me.

But for now I don’t care, because I am in full Potter mode!!!

I have been reading the books for about a month now and is now busy with Book 4. And it is in times like these where I wish I was living overseas…. To go and see a midnight preview and get BUTTERBEER!!!

*Sigh* but for now I am patiently waiting….

Have a lovely night you all! And do remember to send me some questions for my truth challenge!!!