open letter…

(DISCLAIMER – this is a long letter, to no one… read at own risk. and I know the grammar and punctuation sucks. But then again, I’m the writer, so there must be a reason for the lack of punctuation…)
im done…
that’s what i told myself
but then why are you stuck in my head like a bad cold? 
this wasnt my imagination…
this wasnt in my head
ive read somewhere that love, feelings, infatuation, whatever you want to call it, is never completely one-sided. then why this? this hot and cold treatment? 
this run around with my infatuation for you.
u’re giving me whiplash..
u’re making me quote twilight!
why go out?
why make me dinner?
why go on with this silly correspondence?
if there is nothing? why not just leave me alone…
this wasnt my imagination…
this wasnt in my head
im not insane
but i AM DONE
im finished trying to understand
im done fishing with ur mind
and MOSTLY im done with whatever mad, mad game u are playing…
because, if i understand one of your million cryptic messages correctly,  I DO deserve better. i do deserve the ‘greatest gift’ from some one who is willing to give it to me. from some one who isn’t afraid. because love and feelings and all that will always scare everyone. but if u want something badly enough, you will go through the afraid. just to see what lies on the other side… and sure, if you have been to the other side and gotten hurt beyond repair, that afraid will seem thicker and harder to work through. but u cant throw every maybe and what if away…
people say they stay out of things, to not get hurt, to not hurt others. dont you think it hurts anyway? it hurts because u are so wonderful, and u give a fuck. u are so amazing and u dont care.
the most wonderful things could be waiting on the other side of that afraid… and im not saying that im something wonderful, because im not… but i couldve been. we will never know… u werent willing to give our maybe a chance.
but i was.
maybe too willing
maybe too into it from the get go.
im not insane…
this wasnt all in my head
you cant miss someone who meant nothing to you… 
and you meant something, obviously, otherwise, i wouldnt be missing you as much as i am…
this wasnt all in my head…
this wasnt all in my imagination.
but then again
this is what i do.
i build these things up in my head, and make them bigger and better.
then i start believing my head…
instead of reality
then my heart starts to follow, because my head tells it what a great idea it is.
And then I scare people of.
i freak them out, without even trying, because that’s what i do… because its in me to be over the top. to jump into relationships, even just a supposedly fun and flirty one, with everything. because i dont know how not to do that…
even when i know, in my head and heart, that i am not ready for my big, epic love. and that i know you are certainly not my big, epic love.
i still jump into the first sign of ‘like’ as if my life is depending on it… because, in all honesty, being addicted to you, to love, to heartache and heartbreak, is a whole lot safer, and healthier, than cutting, drinking and all the other useless things people get addicted to… 
I wanted a flirtation…
I wanted some fun.
but all my actions pointed to me wanting something more, something permanent. 
is this my way of ruining my own chances? is this how i safe my heart? by pretending to be overly in love, when i know its not what i want or need. 
then again…
maybe my heart knew something i didn’t. we didnt…
this letter is on the point of becoming pointless…
maybe because i know you will never read it, and i keep on writing in the hopes that the longer the letter, the bigger the chance of you seeing what is going on in this messy head of mine… 
God… every song i hear makes me think of you. why? why? why? why did we have to have so much in common?
why did you have to be so close to the guy i have been waiting for?
was this all just coincidence?
is God, faith, cupid, whatever, sitting up there laughing at me, thinking, as you are, that im some stupid little girl who actually though life was going in the right direction for her for once…
was this in my imagination…
was this all just in my head…
im sorry…
im sorry for thinking there was more.
im sorry for bothering you
im sorry about being so very ME
and lastly im sorry for everyone suffering through this letter…
I read somewhere once, rather regret the things you did, than the things you didn’t… 
i dont regret trying, but maybe one day you will regret that you didnt…
ive been thinking and i dont regret it, any of it, im sorry, sorry i made a fool of myself, sorry i thought i was actually worth ur time. but i dont regret it. i dont regret trying, i dont regret jumping when i shouldve waited. i dont regret being me, even if me was obviously not what u wanted. 
mostly… im sorry for being such a little girl… 
Maybe one day you will read this and know…
(this post was written a while ago… and who knows if i still mean everything said here. but it needs to get out. so I’m posting it on one of my favourite days, at my favourite time)

What a [hilarious] day!!

Anyone who has been in contact with me today will know I am a bit out of it… Why??? LOOOOOONG story! But do not fret that will come up.

But firstly, Day 13!!

List SIX things you never want to or can’t live without….

I hope you can read all of that…

Now it is time for Magic Monday… This is wishes I feel like needing right now…

  • I wish…. My heart was made of stone or at least a few bricks
  • I wish…. Friends would never hurt you!
  • I wish…. For men to realize the powers the have over a girl’s heart!
  • I wish…. Every one knew the powers a friendly smile and some support could do to you
  • I wish…. Them happiness, but not if it causes me misery!
  • I wish…. She would realize I actually am her friend!
  • I wish…. He would know how much it hurt me…
  • I wish…. To quickly bounce back from sadness!

Yeah…. I take it for granted that most of you realized by now that I got hurt BAD by the Infatuation… And some one else! But I don’t want to elaborate… But if you really want to know e-mail or Facebook me…

Thank you all for being here, being true and not being backstabbers!!

I truly love my blog family!! [Layla you too!]

Bieber in South Africa…

I contemplated a while on if I should do this post or not, and finally I decided to do it.

We all know I like Justin Bieber’s music. Perhaps I’ll even go so far as to say he is a good performer. But the guy himself… Sorry but I can’t stand him!

When I see him on TV, he usually say something arrogant, he flips his hair and he acts as if the whole world should fall at his feet!

I don’t want to seem like just another girl/person hating on him, and I am not… I like his music. Even his voice doesn’t annoy my! I have respect for him [he is famous indeed] but do he really have to be arrogant about it all?

The worst it the self-proclaimed ‘Bieber-fever’… How obnoxious?? Really! And now all over South Africa girls ranging from 8 to 20 is running around ‘Bieber-hunting’… What the hell?

I’ll admit, he is indeed some one to hunt, whether to hate or to rate, but do it have to be such an issue? A few months ago the Soccer World Cup was held here, did any one go Ronaldo-hunting? Or Beckham-searching?? No! And if they did, then no one made that big of a deal about it!!

Sure, maybe he deserves to be arrogant and obnoxious, but it is really starting to annoy me that he thinks the whole world revolves around him! If I could go a day without having to hear a silly comment from him it would be a day well spent!

I know I have him on Twitter, but then again I also have Ryan Seacrest, the Kardashians and a lot of other famous people, I like Hollywood. Point. I know I don’t actually KNOW Justin Bieber, which make this post actually a moot point. But I had to do it!!!

Well… That’s all!


Well, do you like it now or not??


Every one that knows ME, knows I adore vampires… I have ever since I started reading and WAY before the Twilight-hype.

But ever since the whole T-hype I started questioning my sanity. I mean THEY SPARKLE!! ???

The first time I read Twilight, it was just after a break-up, a year before the hype. My friend borrowed me the book, thinking it would help me get over my heartache. And it did.  I fell in love with it. I loved the idea of a guy caring that much and I read over the bad grammar and BAAAAAD ideas. Then the movie came out. I kinda liked it, but ever so suddenly the whole world liked it, because ‘Edward is like so totally hot’ HUH?

I didn’t understand, a year ago no one KNEW Twilight, now everyone is reading it. First I thought ‘hey at least they are reading’…

Then my sister brought me the book and I read it again. Open-minded and a little less sad than the first time, and I noticed how badly it’s written. I came across faults editors should’ve picked up [eg. Chagrin=it means annoyance. In Twilight it is used 7 different times, for different meanings] [Chapter 12]

But going on… I realized I didn’t LIKE it anymore. Sure, the story is good, the idea is workable, but I hated the sparkliness. [I read Anne Rice as my first Vamp book=my vamp ‘bible’] and Twilight dissed all ‘known’ vampire facts…

So out of interest I read the rest of the series [I cannot leave a series of books unfinished] and I found more and more faults… In book 4, it was in Jacob’s half, and suddenly there are about three pages from Bella’s side! And I have a LOT of issues about her plot… But I am not a critic or anything noticeable, thus I will keep those ravings for myself! Book 2 and 3 was very good to me; still there was a bad writing scheme, bad grammar etc. But at least Edward was missing right? Wrong. She finds a way to get him in there, ‘talking’ to Bella. He wants to kill himself for her after he thinks she is dead [such a good message to teens and pre-teens] and the ‘love story side’ is predictable. You can’t even hope she will fall for Jacob, because she isn’t that strong of a character to make that choice. She is destined to be with Edward ever since they ‘fell in love’ [in a few days!!]

But this weekend I succumbed and went to watch Eclipse. Now I have one very very very big weakness, Taylor Lautner

I would go to Hollywood this second if I knew I stood a chance with him!! So I wanted to see him, a good enough reason for an 18-year old to go to a movie. And I hate to say this, but I enjoyed it a lot… I still can’t stand Edward, thought he only sparkles twice the whole movie… But for some reason he repulsed me. [I AM NOT TEAM ANYTHING BTW] I enjoyed him getting hit, I loved Jake standing up to him, and well I personally would love the end of the Twilight Saga if it means the end of Edward. But the other vampires I can handle…

I loved Alice since the first book as well as Emmet and Rosalie. They are all solid characters, they have back stories, they have ideas, and they have PERSONALITIES!! I sometimes think there was more thought put into the supporting characters than into the two ‘leads’. But even thought they are solid characters, there isn’t much time spend on them in the books. Although the movies make them AMAZING!!

So I made my decision! I can stand Twilight. But I won’t ever read the books again! I will watch the movies, I will enjoy looking at the wolves and I won’t feel guilty. Because even if Twilight makes a mess of vampires. A good story is a good story. And if you cut Stephenie Meyer out of the equation. It would have been WOW…



…to rant about! **

Well after careful [not really] consideration, I choose today’s topic. Mostly because I have a few things I really wanna rant about! Lemme first list them for you, so you decide if you still want to read…

5. Justin Bieber

4. Twilight

3. Men….

2. Fake friends

1. The vampire ‘fad’

So….. Now that you know my objects, still want to read? Good, let’s continue!

5. Justin Bieber…

First off I want to honestly say that I do not have a problem with his music [or that he sings like a twelve year old girl] I have a problem with the fact that so many clueless little kids are falling over their feet for him! Don’t they know that he is just another normal person?! This is completely above my head to comprehend, how is it normal for tweens to suffer nervous breakdowns or causing a rampage?

What also bothers me is that he says he wants a ‘cougar’?!?! WHAT? Is it normal for a 16-year old to talk like this? Why is this not frowned upon, but laughed at?

4. Twilight

Well actually this is based on the whole ‘saga’. The people who know me know my confused feelings on Twilight, I like the movies not the books, and I like the idea but not all of it. Well let me start at the beginning… Or rather more systemized! I enjoy the movies [and books] because it is a good STORY! The whole idea SM had was amazing, and if it was brought through beter, it would have been incredible. But then there are the problems… She really can’t write, vampires NEVER sparkle, and they BURN in the sun. Anything else is absurd unless there is a rational explanation [like Vampire Diaries’ rings]. The whole saga is taken a bit too far according to me; I reckon she could have stopped after the first, because there the story was already exhausted!!

3. Men….

Hmmmmmm, how many times can we rant about them before we used up our amount of freak out? I personally think men should be ranted about daily, because it helps us, and well it prevents us from killing them! Men are so… Conceited! They want you to like them, but when you do, they don’t. When you finally get over them, they go on and on about when you did like them. Do I make sense?  No? Well, never mind that’s normal for me. But I mean, why must men always be on our minds? While I’m ranting, I am still thinking about men, and they are so happy with this ‘hold’ they have over us. I am now single for about 1 and a half months and honestly. I have never been happier. But still I think about men!! ARGH!!!!! Idiots….

Let’s try and be absolute girls, go for manicures and facials, go for GNO’s. ENJOY ourselves without them!!

2. Fake friends…

Wow… so much to say on this subject!!! I despise people who try to be people who they aren’t. Those only texting you when they want something. Those so obsessed with themselves that they don’t really listen when you talk; they only wait for an opening so that they can go on about their lives. This is absurd! Sure, I am also guilty of neglecting my friends, but I try my best not to, some days you just are TOO busy to faff over everyone. But I will always be there when someone needs me. I enjoy helping my friends; I enjoy making them feel beter and most off all I will never let a friend down!!

1. The Vampire Fad

Yes, vampire’s again…

This really annoys me [as you noticed]. Suddenly everyone LOVES vamp’s. They read every book, they watch every show, every movie everything! But why? Because it’s a trend! I read vampire novels before Twilight, I watched vampire stories before Twilight, but some of these people only do so because of Twilight and will stop once it is over. They don’t admire the myths, the beauty of ‘old’ vampires. The think they sparkle….

Sure there are WONDERFUL new vamp books:

  • The Vampire Academy
  • Vampire diaries.

But these books are wonderful because of one simple reason, with a few MINOR adjustments they stay true to the myths and legends!! If you want to read a true vamp book, try The Vampire Chronicles by Anne Rice…

I am not trying to diss anything, but I just feel that vampires [or any other fictional character] should be loved because they are true to form and really ‘understood’ not just because it’s some fad and everyone is reading or watching it!

Okay… that’s that from me!