Incapable of normality…

For so long, all I wished for is to fall in love and be swept of my feet…

For the first time ever, I am willing myself to open my eyes and realize that maybe this prospect is not for me…

You see, I was never the ‘boyfriend-girlfriend’ type of girl… Sure I had a few persons in my life before, but I once described them as ‘addiction’s to one of my friends, and I haven’t found a more suitable description yet…

My first BF, I got in high school, and three months in, I cheated on him with the guy who was my first kiss… Me and The Asshole (yes, that is his name, the guy who I cheated with) had a very confusing on-off thing going for most of high school, I fought so hard to make him love me, because I thought that’s what I wanted. There is enough people around to tell you he was one of my worst choices EVER…

When I finally got him,  just before we left high school, I was horrified. I was not ready for a long relationship, and the fact that he finally returned my ‘feelings’ freaked me out. I ran.

There was a few guys in between The Asshole and The Puppydog (his story is coming up), and I only now realized, I ran from the cute, sweet, romantic ones, straight into the arms of the horrible, non-commitment types. As if I wanted to doom the relationship before it even started. But any how…

The Puppydog, I met him just after high school, and he was probably my first glimpse at an adult-ish relationship, it sucked… He was so lovely, honestly, and I hated every second of it. The day I realized I had to break it of, was when he showed up at my door, after 2 hours on the road, with flowers, just for me, and I didn’t feel a thing, except annoyance, because now I had to actually talk to someone instead of binge-watching How I Met Your Mother…

I was single for quite a while after that, theoretically still am, but there was a few addictions along the way…

There was the Office Geek, who was so obsessed with his ex, I obviously thought he would be the best catch, and our first kiss was shared the weekend he got a new girlfriend… Awesome…

There was the Technician, who date one of my friends years ago, and with her permission, we went out a few times, and the night we shared our first kiss, he went back to share more with her…

There was a few other obsessions/mistakes along the way, the biggest and most recent of all was the Italian, whom I will never regret, but I do wish some days I weren’t so addicted to him as I were…

But my point I’m trying to make, is that I am faced with the sweetest boy ever, who on our first outing took me to feed giraffes at a roof top restaurant, and it was epic. But why do I not feel butterflies, why am I not woo’ed??? Do I need to be rejected to feel loved? Do I need to be treated like dirt to be into someone?

Then, after thinking I’m going insane, that I’m losing my mind, I realized something else… I don’t really care… I don’t miss having ‘someone’ in my life, I am perfectly happy alone…

I don’t miss the constant chatting, the sickly sweet gestures, the overly romantic gifts. The only thing I did miss in my single years was some one to hold onto, the physical side… And yeah, maybe the Italian, or the Asshole, or the Office Geek would tell you I was in love, but I’m starting to doubt in myself… In my ability to love…

I get irritated by sweet stuff, by compliments, even from the Italian, even from the Geek, who is the two guys I tried impressing the most, I wanted so much for them to notice my new hair, or my pretty dress, but when they did, it irritated me.

Maybe there is something wrong with me… Maybe this whole post is spiraling out of control and I actually have no idea what I am saying… Maybe I really am losing my mind… Maybe I did actually love those men of my past, but my way of dealing is convincing myself that I didn’t…

Well… This was a lot cheaper than a therapy session, but then again, now I have no one to give me feedback, and say, “no sweetie, you are not insane. Just mildly bonkers…”

Stay well…

This is me…

The past few weeks (months) I felt like I lost myself, like I lost ME… So instead of a love letter to people who ignore me, or a love story about my imaginary friends, here is a love letter to myself… All the things that makes me, ME…

You do you best…

I’m the girl who would rather spend time with her cats than with people

I’m the girl who loves going out, and sitting alone with a cup of coffee for three hours watching other people

I’m the girl who would rather spend five hours with one person, instead of one hour with five people

I’m the girl who likes to get drunk on cheap wine coolers as well as the girl who would never say no to that epic bottle of red wine or expensive gin.

I’m the kind of girl who likes to wear a dress and then come home and sleep naked, but then again, I’m also the kind of girl who would spend the entire day in her PJ’s binge watching Glee for the 10th time and crying every time Rachel and Finn breaks up…

I’m the girl who gets surprised when her (only) BFF asks her to be Maid of Honor

I’m the girl who says what I want, forgetting that not every one wants to hear every thought going through my head.

But, I’m also the kind of girl who says what you WANT to hear, because I am so afraid of letting some one down..

I’m the girl every one describes as a bitch, and I just think I’m hysterically sarcastic.

I’m the girl who doesn’t know her own favourite colour, but know for a fact if Oreo’s was a colour it would be that…

I’m the girl who thinks I’m fat and pretty in the same sentence.

I’m the girl who goes out to exercise once a month and diet one week a month and believe it will make a difference.

I’m the girl, at 23, who doesn’t know what she wants, where she wants to be or how to get there.

I’m the girl, who has been single for 4 years

I’m just a silly little girl, waiting for the world to give her a green light in the right direction.

Have a lovely day…

Never lose who you are….

The Flower Child’s Song…

I look out my window

And see the sky

The trees

The birds

But I don’t see the beauty

I became used to the world around me

Assumed it will always be there

There is so much that can take it away

That can take you away

And me…

I take it for granted

This world around me

The smiling baby

The spring breeze

The smell of fresh coffee

The sound of your voice

I take for granted

A walk in the park

A good book

A sad movie

I take for granted

Myself

You

Us

I look out of my window

And I shed a tear

It is so wonderfully beautiful

to be alive

When spring comes alive

Around you

Within you

I wish you could see…

The apple blossoms

I wish you could hear…

The sparrow’s cry

I wish you could feel…

The sun on you skin,

The water in your face

I wish you could taste…

My spring touch

My summer kiss…

Photography by Alex BenetelInspiration found: http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/736x/51/24/66/512466bd0d81b57d487d1726d22a6c5c.jpg

Letting In, Letting Go

If you let people into your life a little bit, they can be pretty damn amazing.

Sherman Alexie

I shared the above quote with a long-distance friend yesterday, thinking it will have the same meaning to him as it did to me when I first read it.

To me it said, open up and let go, don’t be so uptight to let people see who YOU are, because when they get to know you, you get to know them, and chances are, they will be pretty epic… Not every one, of course, because there is some peculiar assholes in existence. But most of us homo sapiens are not so bad!

His only response… NO

After a protest from my side, obviously, I told him, there is different ways to ‘let people in’

You don’t have to LOVE them, or even let them love you. You can share, you can care, you can remember the small things.

A random message during the day because some one suddenly saw something that reminded them of me, means so much more than a big gesture, or a routine ‘good morning’-message.

You can let people in by letting go. Letting go of your presumptions. Letting go of your prejudices. Stop being so uptight about yourself.

There is so many useless little things standing in our own way. Stopping us from being happy and letting people see who we are, who we want to be in this world.

My weekly goal is to be more open.

To learn 1 new thing about the people in my life, and actually letting it mean something to me.

My monthly goal is to get 1 new friend. To let new people into my life, to be open to the possibility.

What’s your way to let new people in?

What’s your reasons for not wanting people ‘in’?

An unexpected obstacle… – Flash Fiction

Why hello there, it’s been a while.

Well, here is a little on the spot flash fiction to tie you over while I get back into my writing groove.

This piece was inspired by a prompt on Today’s Author Write Now Prompt’s.

An unexpected obstacle

At last, she was getting out of this town. 

This little hick of a town was working on her last nerve. But, finally, she saved enough to up and go. And this was her last chance. Tomorrow she is suppose to marry Rick. Rick, the golden boy. Rick, the guy every one thought was perfect for her. Well, obviously, they have never been in an argument with him and had to hide the bruises for weeks on end.

This is it.

This is freedom.

She looks over her shoulder as she exits the coffee shop just across from the bus stop where her getaway car is awaiting the last passengers. Pretend carefree she walks across the street and look at some posters on the bus stop, with another glance around, she walks closer to the bus and with a last look over her shoulder she reaches out to grab onto the handle. But her hand is grabbed instead.

“Excuse me?!” she exclaims as she turns her head around and her breath stops in her throat.

William…

Her eyes grow big and she tries to shake the feeling off her back, he would never bust her. Not to Rick. But on the other hand, he does work for Rick. But, he has also seen the bruises, the abuse, the horror…

“Will, let me go.” She doesn’t ask, she demands. If Rick taught her one thing, it is to always act if you are going to get exactly what you want, then you will probably get it..

Instead of letting go, he gets out of the bus and take her with him, the grip on her forearm stronger than she expected from him,

“Elizah, you are not save.”

“I know! That is why I am running away. Now let me!”

“You don’t understand, he has people looking out for you, he thought you would do something like this. He had me waiting on the bus for you, and Darius is waiting at the airport.”

“You know, I am stronger than you think… I have a few tricks of my own.”

With a condescending glance to her side he laughs, “sure, E.” 

“Okay… So you got me. Now what.”

“Now we are running away.”

With a tug at her arm he leads her to his Chevy standing in an alley, gives her a big floppy hat and helps her into the car.

“To our future, love…”

“To the future…” she replies with a sneaky look in her eyes.

 

Be your own windkeeper

(Yes, I am currently re-watching Friends, for all who caught the reference)

^^ this was one of the best scene in season two! Then again, Friends is filled with wonderful scenes…

I watched this episode with the whole Windkeeper thing this morning. For those who don’t know what I’m talking about (please stop reading, I’m unfriending you ) just kidding, the whole theory is, women need to keep their own wind and stop men (the lightbearer) to steal the wind from their sails.

And, as incredibly stupid as it sounds, its true. We let men dictate our lives so easily, we dress to look good for them, we act the way we do, to impress them, we let them tell us what to do, when to do it. But we need to stop. We need to be our own Goddesses.

I had a point somewhere, but I keep getting distracted by the picture above, who would’ve guess Ross enjoyed ‘that’… Hee hee hee

That’s why I’m writing again.

To blow my own wind. I need to stop writing for him. I’ll probably always write about him, but I need to stop caring if he will read it, what he will think about it or who it will affect him. Because I am the most important person in my live, and so many people have tried to drill this thought into my head, two guys actually had me drunkenly crying a few weeks ago, because they tried to get me to see that I am amazing and need to embrace that.

Well, this is me, trying my best to be me to the fullest, not giving a crap about what any one thinks, because I am the most most important person in my live.

Thank you, for making me believe in my own epicness.

Love always,

Marlize

Wishing Wednesday…

Today I feel like I need a shooting star, or a meteor shower, or maybe a comet to the head…

Point is, there is some days where I just feel, maybe a wish is not gonna work, but wish anyway and see what happens…

So here is a few Wednesday Wishes, some silly, some real, most true.

  • I wish you were closer… Or at least reachable
  • I wish Daddy was a lot closer! Or, once again, reachable…
  • I wish I knew why I am sad so darn much
  • I wish I had more wine
  • I wish I could drink wine instead of water at work
  • I wish the copious amounts of water I am drinking instead of wine is gonna help with not going to the gym-issue
  • I wish I went to the gym more
  • I wish for a HUGE Four Cheeses Pizza, to share =] (#ReasonsIneedtogym!)
  • I wish my weekend dance partner contacts me
  • I also wish the extremely pretty girl in the pictures of him that I Facebook stalked is his sister
  • I wish for the new business to go to all heights
  • I wish my mom true true happiness
  • I wish myself and the sister more of that true true happiness
  • I wish for my muse to make her/his return and get this brain writing
  • I wish for my email server to collapse and delete all evidence of you/us, just to stop me from reading and rereading old emails.
  • I wish to not get over you, but to get used to not having you near by.
  • I wish I never get over you
  • I wish I meet some one as amazing as you, just with less issues
  • I wish my future winemaker husband (yes, he is completely unaware of the pending nuptials, and yes he actually has a GF,who I can’t wish into a sister) is the guy that will let me forget about you just 1%
  • I wish I was normal…  But then again, boring is normal…. I mean, normal is boring…
  • (Apparently, the water has a higher alcohol content than I thought…) =]

I hope that made sense to at least one person reading, because I lost track a while ago… =D

Any wishes for your Wednesday?

Love Always,

M