Old love, young love, forgotten love…

My mind is just full of strange thoughts today, some of them about a boy, a guy I used to have in my life, and I’ve been thinking about him a lot these past days, more than I would like to admit…

He used to be my everything, like any teenage girl would feel about her first love, I chased him for about 2 years before he finally gave me the attention I required, and after a few months I left him. Even to me, that’s still one of the weirdest things I ever did. And usually, the closer it gets to May, the more I miss him, but I’ve realised something. I don’t miss HIM.

I miss the feeling…

The feeling of getting a message from him, out of the blue and knowing I was on his mind.

The feeling of looking out my front door, minutes after my mom left for work, and seeing his bike in front of the gate, ready to come and cuddle up next to me

The feeling of holding hands in public, and basically telling the world, look, some one choose ME

The feeling of getting to kiss him, whenever the whim struck

The feeling of spending the whole day together, and still needing more

The feeling of having someone to share the little things with

And after having some one in your life for 3+ years, it’s difficult not having them, even it was 3 years since I’ve last kissed him…

But you know what the worst part is; we didn’t end on good terms… And I hate that. I hate that I can’t tell our story without feeling a little tinge of ‘he was an asshole’ and he was… Because even though I was the one who finally did the break-up, he ended our friendship after that.

The last conversation I had with him went a little like this…

“Hey, sorry to bother you, but, ummm, my dad passed away, and, ummm I kinda need you now, because I don’t know exactly how I’m going to cope without you holding me together.”

“Hey, please leave me alone, I thought we were done.”

Cue the new waterfall of tears…

And that, along with the fact that he was a cheating scumbag, made me hate him, more than I ever thought I will. And it makes me sad, knowing that someone who meant that much to me, years ago, is not in my life any more…

This above story is also the reason why I try not ending anything on bad terms, I will fight, that’s a guarantee, but I will also probably make the first step to better things, because I hate that feeling of losing someone and knowing it ended badly.

I’m not sad that I lost him, I know now he was not some one I need in my life anymore, but I honestly hope that I never have to lose some one I care about that much again, in that way…

Some day I think life would’ve been better not meeting him at all, because then I didn’t have to live with the knowledge that someone like him existed in this world. Then there wouldn’t have been anything to miss. But I needed to meet him, to show me how to go on, how to survive, how to not need some one, how to be me, how to love, how to be.

Now I just need to remember that…

Thank you…

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Remembering who I am…

This past few weeks, months, I’ve gotten so carried away by life, by everything, that I forgot to take a second for myself…

And when I have a second, I numb my brain with music and books, to keep from thinking, because if I gave myself a few seconds of silence, I would’ve noticed, I’m busy losing me…

I’ve been described as a few things, most recently and frequently, crazy, but there is two things that always stood out, and when I heard them I thought, Yup, this is who and what I want to be for the rest of me.

The first one came from one of my first boyfriends’, he told me, almost daily, “you’re like a flower-child, I can’t look at you and NOT be happy.”

Then there was this one time when me and my SuzyPie weren’t as epicly good friends as we are today, and she told one of our other friends, in response to the question why she doesn’t like me, “she’s always bubbling, this jumping, happy-go-lucky giggly thing.” (or something like that) and this was supposed to be an insult, but I loved it… That some one who wasn’t in contact with me that much, thought of me as this extremely happy person, made me even happier…

But the last few weeks, I misplaced my inner flower-child, I don’t know exactly why or where, but I feel her seeping back into my system, slowly, inch by inch.

I realized that these things I fixate on, is making me crazy, stealing my happiness, kidnapping my flower-child.

So, I’ve made an active decision to not have bad things in my life, either change them, or lose them.

I need to get my flower-child back, I need to remember who I am, who I like myself to be.

Love always,

M*

 

5 Thing Friday! You should give it a try…

So the five things I felt the need to bring under your attention is things you should try, maybe not today, but SOON!!

  1. Pimms N0. 1 Cup – I tried this today (for the first time!) and fell in love. Head first, head over heels, in love. Gosh!!! It’s bloody Brilliant!!!Porch Swing; I pretty much just want to sip fancy fruity drinks by the pool and read with friends all summer long.
  2. Campari – On ice, with just a slice of lemon – This one got introduced to me by Robbie the Foreigner, and, fuck me, it’s amazing!! How I have missed this, my whole life, I haven’t the faintest. But now I have discovered it, and need it daily!!!Americano. This drink was a favorite of American expats during Prohibition. Prior to then it was known as the Milano-Torino, for the cities where its two main ingredients were first made: Milan (Campari) and Turin (sweet vermouth).
  3. Rainbow Rowell – I discovered Eleanor and Park by accident, and halfway through the book, I think I might just like Rainbow Rowell almost as much as John Green!Eleanor and Park by Rainbow Rowell
  4. Being strong… I don’t do this enough, and wish I could. But this week I seriously needed to put my big girl panties on, and be strong. And now, its almost a week, and I’m alive. Some People Think That To Be Strong Is To Never Feel Pain.
  5. Letting go and just enjoy… Letting your inner child take control and making memories, without thinking about the what if’s, the tomorrows, the maybes. Just doing, because it seems like a great idea.Inner Child - The secret of genius ... is to carry the Spirit of the Child into old age.

Imagine It Prompt – Falling down

A prompt from Vast Imaginations got this post flowing, I choose the picture prompt, and just wrote…

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“Sam?!” she calls out softly, not wanting to be too loud. 
The old Skeleton of a farmhouse has been their meeting place for a few months now, and no one saw them, or suspected anything, but Andea was rather safe than sorry. The Skeleton was perfect, except for its location. Only a short distance from the old barn, where all the tools were being kept, and people visited a few times daily.
“Sam?!” she calls again, a little louder, a bit more urgent.
“Andea?” She hears his honey-voice answer and she rushes to the Main Bedroom, the only room which still have a roof and all four walls.
With a sigh she rushes into his arms and stands there, happy just feeling him near her, touching her, being. 
“I missed you,” he whispers into her hair, inhaling as much of her as possible. 
She places a butterfly-soft kiss in his neck and hug him closer.
“I missed you too…”
 
Reluctantly they pull apart and sit down on the Bed, which is actually a collection of stolen pillows and a few tattered blankets. It’s been a week since the lovers saw each other last, and for two 16 year-olds, in midst of their first love affair, a week is a lifetime.
“Any news?” he asks, referring to her father, the biggest road block in their relationship.
“Still thinks the ‘workers-class’ is scum, still wants me to get into a relationship with Paul next door and, most importantly, still wants your father to move to the other farm. In the next town.” 
As Andea finish the terrible news a tear slip down her cheek, Sam wipes it off with his thumb and keeps his hand there, holding her face like a fragile doll. 
“We will be together,” he whispers, so sure off it, so sure that the love between them will beat the world and all its rules and restrictions and prejudice  thoughts.
They sit there, body against body, just sitting, knowing their love is true, real.
In the old, broken house, their love is the only solid thing left…. 

maybe you’re right, maybe not

I’ve been wondering about something… Why do we, as people, not only women, but all people, fall in love with the wrong people?
And sometimes it’s not even real ‘falling in love’, sometimes its just excessive infatuation.
But still we have this epic tendency to form connections with completely the wrong people.
Are we really that masochistic and self-destructive that we don’t realize what’s wrong for us? Or do we just enjoy the few moments of butterflies so much, that we are willing to forget about getting hurt and just want to keep falling?

I love falling in love with things, like this quote from Country Strong

From Google Images...
From Google Images…

I get teased daily about thinking everything is ‘the coolest thing EVER’ or ‘the prettiest thing EVER’ or ‘the nicest place EVER’, but I like the fact that I can get excited about things, small things and big things.

And I like that I could get excited about Him, even if He was the wrong choice by any means, and I’m setting myself up for some terrible sadness, I’m so happy to have met Him. To have Him cross my path, and give me so many new things to think about in life…

Still, the question hangs in the air, why do we get enchanted by people who don’t feel the same for us? Or why are they so much better at hiding and controlling their enchantment?

This quote from Perks of Being a Wallflower (the best movie EVER =]) explains a bit of it…

From Google images..
From Google images..

And it’s sad that we don’t want to give ourselves the chance of wanting more, better, because we are afraid of failure, so we settle for that what is in front of us, just because we don’t think something better will come along.

Which is why I went on two dates with a 50-year-old who I had nothing in common with, just because he was there, and it felt so good to have some one pay attention to me… But that is also why I gave the 50 yo up for Him, because I wanted more, and I wasn’t sure I was getting it from Him, but I wanted the chance…

Did I fail? I dunno. Did I succeed? I dunno…

Life is messy. Love is messier…

I wonder if I will ever know if He was actually interested? Or if I will ever share the whole story with any one but my sister and my notebook…? But mostly, I wonder, if circumstances weren’t as they are, and it wasn’t the wrong time or place for us, would ‘we’ have stood a chance? Would I have gotten a chance?

I will always want just one more proper kiss (not the little girl kind) and I will always sit with the knowledge that I’m not gonna get it, not willingly. Because having to ask for a kiss, that is kinda starting to suck…

Save me from this turmoil in my mind…

Love always,
Marlize

Follow up on my ‘open letter’

I had some questions on my open letter, posted on St Patrick’s day, one of my favourite days…
Most questions from my sister, others from me, and some from a commenter…

Yes, the letter was aimed at some one, it’s too personal not to be. But I’m afraid to say ALL of that to him, so the better (cowardly) option is to make all of you suffer through it.

No, I don’t still mean everything said in that letter.
Like, I’m not done… I don’t think I could ever be truly done with him.
I never though some one could get under my skin in a month or less, but he did, he embedded himself into me like a bad cold, and now I can’t get rid of him, honestly, I don’t really want to get rid of him. But I have to…

Why? Because he is leaving across the Atlantic (Or Indian, or some freaking ocean) in two days… And I don’t think whatever we had will ever last beyond that flight. Or beyond yesterday.

There’s this small romantic girl sitting in my head, reading this whole thing as a rom-com novel, rooting for him to stay behind for me, or for me to follow him home. But I’m realistic. It won’t work. It’s not even properly working now, with him here! Because I never know what he is thinking.
I don’t even know if he actually likes me, all the normal clues are there, but then all the clues pointing towards the opposite is also there!

So, now, I’m just sitting here, like a supporting character in my own movie, waiting for him to tell me what is going on, what is happening. Because I know there is no future what so ever for us, but I also know I would rather spend this last two days with him, remembering him, remembering ‘us’ than not see him before he leaves. And never seeing him again.
Because whether we use this last two days or not, I’m gonna hurt the same when he leaves…
My friend told me a story the other day… A boy heard his leg was being amputated, and instead of being sad about it, moping around the house for that last hours with his leg. He went out, had fun, used it!
So don’t amputated me before the time is here, use what you have, while you still have it…
There is a small part of me (I think that part is being influenced by the silly girl reading the rom-com) that fell in love with him, on the very first day, when he looked at me with that brown eyes and talked to me with that unbelievable accent.
But I over-ruled that part and the rom-com girl, I refused to fall for him, I knew he was leaving, and I knew he would never fall for me… That’s just not how life goes for me…

So now I’m standing here, alone, not knowing what is happening with us, with me.
It’s horrible, not having control of your own life, also, it’s amazing, feeling this way, not knowing how great the next moment could be.

Point is, I like him. In a ‘you make my heart beat faster’-way. In a ‘its fun spending time with you’-way. In a ‘can we just lay together and look at the stars’-way. Yes I sound all romantic and soppy and such, but point is, it’s difficult not to be….

He confuses me.

More than anything, that’s the main part of all of this… Confusion…

That silly part of me, wants to believe that he likes me as well, that that is why he is pushing me away, to not get hurt when he leaves. But as I say, that’s not how life works for me…

If some one has a crystal ball, please look into it and tell me I’m not crazy? At least not certifiable…

Love always,
Marlize

I should know by now…

Not that I think you care,
But I like you

Not that I really care,
But I think you like me too.

Not that I think you care,
But I would like to kiss you.

Not that I really care,
But I think you want to kiss me too

Not that I think you care,
But I will miss you

Not that I really care,
But will you miss me too?

Not that I think you care,
But I don’t want to see you go

Not that I really care,
But do u have to go?

Not that I think you care,
But is there a little part of you
That actually care?

Not that I really care,
But do you realize I’m just pretending,
And it’s really actually hurting?