maybe you’re right, maybe not

I’ve been wondering about something… Why do we, as people, not only women, but all people, fall in love with the wrong people?
And sometimes it’s not even real ‘falling in love’, sometimes its just excessive infatuation.
But still we have this epic tendency to form connections with completely the wrong people.
Are we really that masochistic and self-destructive that we don’t realize what’s wrong for us? Or do we just enjoy the few moments of butterflies so much, that we are willing to forget about getting hurt and just want to keep falling?

I love falling in love with things, like this quote from Country Strong

From Google Images…

I get teased daily about thinking everything is ‘the coolest thing EVER’ or ‘the prettiest thing EVER’ or ‘the nicest place EVER’, but I like the fact that I can get excited about things, small things and big things.

And I like that I could get excited about Him, even if He was the wrong choice by any means, and I’m setting myself up for some terrible sadness, I’m so happy to have met Him. To have Him cross my path, and give me so many new things to think about in life…

Still, the question hangs in the air, why do we get enchanted by people who don’t feel the same for us? Or why are they so much better at hiding and controlling their enchantment?

This quote from Perks of Being a Wallflower (the best movie EVER =]) explains a bit of it…

From Google images..

And it’s sad that we don’t want to give ourselves the chance of wanting more, better, because we are afraid of failure, so we settle for that what is in front of us, just because we don’t think something better will come along.

Which is why I went on two dates with a 50-year-old who I had nothing in common with, just because he was there, and it felt so good to have some one pay attention to me… But that is also why I gave the 50 yo up for Him, because I wanted more, and I wasn’t sure I was getting it from Him, but I wanted the chance…

Did I fail? I dunno. Did I succeed? I dunno…

Life is messy. Love is messier…

I wonder if I will ever know if He was actually interested? Or if I will ever share the whole story with any one but my sister and my notebook…? But mostly, I wonder, if circumstances weren’t as they are, and it wasn’t the wrong time or place for us, would ‘we’ have stood a chance? Would I have gotten a chance?

I will always want just one more proper kiss (not the little girl kind) and I will always sit with the knowledge that I’m not gonna get it, not willingly. Because having to ask for a kiss, that is kinda starting to suck…

Save me from this turmoil in my mind…

Love always,

Marlize

Follow up on my ‘open letter’

I had some questions on my open letter, posted on St Patrick’s day, one of my favourite days…
Most questions from my sister, others from me, and some from a commenter…

Yes, the letter was aimed at some one, it’s too personal not to be. But I’m afraid to say ALL of that to him, so the better (cowardly) option is to make all of you suffer through it.

No, I don’t still mean everything said in that letter.
Like, I’m not done… I don’t think I could ever be truly done with him.
I never though some one could get under my skin in a month or less, but he did, he embedded himself into me like a bad cold, and now I can’t get rid of him, honestly, I don’t really want to get rid of him. But I have to…

Why? Because he is leaving across the Atlantic (Or Indian, or some freaking ocean) in two days… And I don’t think whatever we had will ever last beyond that flight. Or beyond yesterday.

There’s this small romantic girl sitting in my head, reading this whole thing as a rom-com novel, rooting for him to stay behind for me, or for me to follow him home. But I’m realistic. It won’t work. It’s not even properly working now, with him here! Because I never know what he is thinking.
I don’t even know if he actually likes me, all the normal clues are there, but then all the clues pointing towards the opposite is also there!

So, now, I’m just sitting here, like a supporting character in my own movie, waiting for him to tell me what is going on, what is happening. Because I know there is no future what so ever for us, but I also know I would rather spend this last two days with him, remembering him, remembering ‘us’ than not see him before he leaves. And never seeing him again.
Because whether we use this last two days or not, I’m gonna hurt the same when he leaves…
My friend told me a story the other day… A boy heard his leg was being amputated, and instead of being sad about it, moping around the house for that last hours with his leg. He went out, had fun, used it!
So don’t amputated me before the time is here, use what you have, while you still have it…
There is a small part of me (I think that part is being influenced by the silly girl reading the rom-com) that fell in love with him, on the very first day, when he looked at me with that brown eyes and talked to me with that unbelievable accent.
But I over-ruled that part and the rom-com girl, I refused to fall for him, I knew he was leaving, and I knew he would never fall for me… That’s just not how life goes for me…

So now I’m standing here, alone, not knowing what is happening with us, with me.
It’s horrible, not having control of your own life, also, it’s amazing, feeling this way, not knowing how great the next moment could be.

Point is, I like him. In a ‘you make my heart beat faster’-way. In a ‘its fun spending time with you’-way. In a ‘can we just lay together and look at the stars’-way. Yes I sound all romantic and soppy and such, but point is, it’s difficult not to be….

He confuses me.

More than anything, that’s the main part of all of this… Confusion…

That silly part of me, wants to believe that he likes me as well, that that is why he is pushing me away, to not get hurt when he leaves. But as I say, that’s not how life works for me…

If some one has a crystal ball, please look into it and tell me I’m not crazy? At least not certifiable…

Love always,
Marlize

I should know by now…

Not that I think you care,
But I like you

Not that I really care,
But I think you like me too.

Not that I think you care,
But I would like to kiss you.

Not that I really care,
But I think you want to kiss me too

Not that I think you care,
But I will miss you

Not that I really care,
But will you miss me too?

Not that I think you care,
But I don’t want to see you go

Not that I really care,
But do u have to go?

Not that I think you care,
But is there a little part of you
That actually care?

Not that I really care,
But do you realize I’m just pretending,
And it’s really actually hurting?