This is me…

The past few weeks (months) I felt like I lost myself, like I lost ME… So instead of a love letter to people who ignore me, or a love story about my imaginary friends, here is a love letter to myself… All the things that makes me, ME…

You do you best…

I’m the girl who would rather spend time with her cats than with people

I’m the girl who loves going out, and sitting alone with a cup of coffee for three hours watching other people

I’m the girl who would rather spend five hours with one person, instead of one hour with five people

I’m the girl who likes to get drunk on cheap wine coolers as well as the girl who would never say no to that epic bottle of red wine or expensive gin.

I’m the kind of girl who likes to wear a dress and then come home and sleep naked, but then again, I’m also the kind of girl who would spend the entire day in her PJ’s binge watching Glee for the 10th time and crying every time Rachel and Finn breaks up…

I’m the girl who gets surprised when her (only) BFF asks her to be Maid of Honor

I’m the girl who says what I want, forgetting that not every one wants to hear every thought going through my head.

But, I’m also the kind of girl who says what you WANT to hear, because I am so afraid of letting some one down..

I’m the girl every one describes as a bitch, and I just think I’m hysterically sarcastic.

I’m the girl who doesn’t know her own favourite colour, but know for a fact if Oreo’s was a colour it would be that…

I’m the girl who thinks I’m fat and pretty in the same sentence.

I’m the girl who goes out to exercise once a month and diet one week a month and believe it will make a difference.

I’m the girl, at 23, who doesn’t know what she wants, where she wants to be or how to get there.

I’m the girl, who has been single for 4 years

I’m just a silly little girl, waiting for the world to give her a green light in the right direction.

Have a lovely day…

Never lose who you are….

open letter…

(DISCLAIMER – this is a long letter, to no one… read at own risk. and I know the grammar and punctuation sucks. But then again, I’m the writer, so there must be a reason for the lack of punctuation…)
 
im done…
that’s what i told myself
but then why are you stuck in my head like a bad cold? 
this wasnt my imagination…
this wasnt in my head
ive read somewhere that love, feelings, infatuation, whatever you want to call it, is never completely one-sided. then why this? this hot and cold treatment? 
this run around with my infatuation for you.
u’re giving me whiplash..
u’re making me quote twilight!
why go out?
why make me dinner?
why go on with this silly correspondence?
if there is nothing? why not just leave me alone…
this wasnt my imagination…
this wasnt in my head
im not insane
but i AM DONE
im finished trying to understand
im done fishing with ur mind
and MOSTLY im done with whatever mad, mad game u are playing…
because, if i understand one of your million cryptic messages correctly,  I DO deserve better. i do deserve the ‘greatest gift’ from some one who is willing to give it to me. from some one who isn’t afraid. because love and feelings and all that will always scare everyone. but if u want something badly enough, you will go through the afraid. just to see what lies on the other side… and sure, if you have been to the other side and gotten hurt beyond repair, that afraid will seem thicker and harder to work through. but u cant throw every maybe and what if away…
people say they stay out of things, to not get hurt, to not hurt others. dont you think it hurts anyway? it hurts because u are so wonderful, and u give a fuck. u are so amazing and u dont care.
the most wonderful things could be waiting on the other side of that afraid… and im not saying that im something wonderful, because im not… but i couldve been. we will never know… u werent willing to give our maybe a chance.
but i was.
maybe too willing
maybe too into it from the get go.
im not insane…
this wasnt all in my head
you cant miss someone who meant nothing to you… 
and you meant something, obviously, otherwise, i wouldnt be missing you as much as i am…
this wasnt all in my head…
this wasnt all in my imagination.
but then again
this is what i do.
i build these things up in my head, and make them bigger and better.
then i start believing my head…
instead of reality
then my heart starts to follow, because my head tells it what a great idea it is.
And then I scare people of.
i freak them out, without even trying, because that’s what i do… because its in me to be over the top. to jump into relationships, even just a supposedly fun and flirty one, with everything. because i dont know how not to do that…
even when i know, in my head and heart, that i am not ready for my big, epic love. and that i know you are certainly not my big, epic love.
i still jump into the first sign of ‘like’ as if my life is depending on it… because, in all honesty, being addicted to you, to love, to heartache and heartbreak, is a whole lot safer, and healthier, than cutting, drinking and all the other useless things people get addicted to… 
I wanted a flirtation…
I wanted some fun.
but all my actions pointed to me wanting something more, something permanent. 
is this my way of ruining my own chances? is this how i safe my heart? by pretending to be overly in love, when i know its not what i want or need. 
then again…
maybe my heart knew something i didn’t. we didnt…
this letter is on the point of becoming pointless…
maybe because i know you will never read it, and i keep on writing in the hopes that the longer the letter, the bigger the chance of you seeing what is going on in this messy head of mine… 
God… every song i hear makes me think of you. why? why? why? why did we have to have so much in common?
why did you have to be so close to the guy i have been waiting for?
was this all just coincidence?
is God, faith, cupid, whatever, sitting up there laughing at me, thinking, as you are, that im some stupid little girl who actually though life was going in the right direction for her for once…
w
t
f
was this in my imagination…
was this all just in my head…
im sorry…
im sorry for thinking there was more.
im sorry for bothering you
im sorry about being so very ME
and lastly im sorry for everyone suffering through this letter…
I read somewhere once, rather regret the things you did, than the things you didn’t… 
i dont regret trying, but maybe one day you will regret that you didnt…
 
ive been thinking and i dont regret it, any of it, im sorry, sorry i made a fool of myself, sorry i thought i was actually worth ur time. but i dont regret it. i dont regret trying, i dont regret jumping when i shouldve waited. i dont regret being me, even if me was obviously not what u wanted. 
 
mostly… im sorry for being such a little girl… 
 
Maybe one day you will read this and know…
 
(this post was written a while ago… and who knows if i still mean everything said here. but it needs to get out. so I’m posting it on one of my favourite days, at my favourite time)

Maybe…

Maybe…
You upset me
Because it’s the truth…

Maybe,
You don’t know
How it hurt

Maybe
I’m dumb to be upset
Because it was a joke…

But you don’t know me
You don’t know
How true it got
Thinking that’s all
I’m worth

Maybe
You are right

Maybe
I’m only an object
To some people
And I hate feeling
That way

Maybe
I am angry
Coz u got too close to the nerve
U got too close to knowing
U got too close to using
Or not

Maybe
I’m just dumb
Or
Maybe
Ur just
An asshole

I’m not…

I’m not that girl…

That over-confident

Flowerchild

 

I’m not that lady,

That hard-assing

Bitch

 

I’m not that woman,

That anything-goes

Type…

 

I’m not all you think

I’m not insane,

Just a little mad.

I’m not superficial,

Just a little vain.

 

I’m not that hard -shelled thing…

I’m a softie.

I’m not usually a crier,

I just hide it well.

I’m not always happy,

My depro just ran away…

 

I’m not in need of help.

I’m just in need of a fix…

In need…

In need…

Of you…

Trying to discover me

I haven’t blogged in ages…

But I don’t feel guilty, because I didn’t have anything to say. So I would’ve just babbled for the sake of babbling (and we all know I like to babble)

So I guess me writing this means I have something to say?

Correct!

I have discovered a few things about my self since the start of 2014 and I thought I have to write them down, as this blog is as much for me as for who ever is reading this hole in the web…

  • I love falling in love. With everything…
  • I am, apparently, an emotional self-mutilator, because as mentioned above, I love falling in love…
  • A taste for Jack Daniels, Italian coffee, frozen yogurt and cereal for breakfast has been developed.
  • I write a lot better than I think I do (and I have the pride to say it now. I still don’t think I’m the best thing since JK Rowling, but at least I believe in myself now)
  • Too little people understand the fun and art of old-fashioned letter writing.
  • Sleep and reading is two very very real addictions
  • And, lastly, I don’t want to fall in love…

*bombshell* 🙂

Try making sense of that, internet…

Love always,

Marlize

Why do I blog…?

This question has been bothering me for a few days now… i don’t even know why I’ve been wondering about this…

But anyhow, I was just browsing through old posts of mine, looking for a bit of poetry to use for Valentines day at work (decoration purposes only) and suddenly I realize, I’m bloody good at this shit…

I realize that modesty is an attractive quality to have, but so is believing in yourself. And then I came to a conclusion – THAT is why I write, blog, whatever.
Because the more I do it, the more I believe in myself.

So, for once I’m not goin to apologise for being MIA, I’m not gonna make excuses for not blogging, because honestly, I’m not blogging for you, no offense, I’m blogging for me. And if per chance some one like it, well snaps for me!

But I will say this, thank you.

Thank you for reading this madness.
Thank you for following this madness.
Thank you for liking this madness.
And most of all thank you for not deserting this madness.

I love you.

M*

A magic Monday Wishlist..

So…. I know it has been a while, but I felt like doing a post, and since it is Monday, I decided to do a Monday Magic Wishlist…

1. I wish I could wake up and it was all just a nightmare
2. I wish my stress could be less
3. I wish one day HE will wake up and realize I am the girl for him
4. I wish for some mindless fun!
5. I wish for a big bottle of red wine
6. I wish for a Harry Potter marathon and some Butterbeer
7. I wish to have the time and dedication to finish my novel
8. I wish only the best for my mom and sis
9. I wish every one could have a warm bed like I do…
10. Lastly, I wish, with all my heart that I could just see my Dady one last time…

What are your wishes for this Blue Monday?

Wish-filled love,
Marliz3e