open letter…

(DISCLAIMER – this is a long letter, to no one… read at own risk. and I know the grammar and punctuation sucks. But then again, I’m the writer, so there must be a reason for the lack of punctuation…)
 
im done…
that’s what i told myself
but then why are you stuck in my head like a bad cold? 
this wasnt my imagination…
this wasnt in my head
ive read somewhere that love, feelings, infatuation, whatever you want to call it, is never completely one-sided. then why this? this hot and cold treatment? 
this run around with my infatuation for you.
u’re giving me whiplash..
u’re making me quote twilight!
why go out?
why make me dinner?
why go on with this silly correspondence?
if there is nothing? why not just leave me alone…
this wasnt my imagination…
this wasnt in my head
im not insane
but i AM DONE
im finished trying to understand
im done fishing with ur mind
and MOSTLY im done with whatever mad, mad game u are playing…
because, if i understand one of your million cryptic messages correctly,  I DO deserve better. i do deserve the ‘greatest gift’ from some one who is willing to give it to me. from some one who isn’t afraid. because love and feelings and all that will always scare everyone. but if u want something badly enough, you will go through the afraid. just to see what lies on the other side… and sure, if you have been to the other side and gotten hurt beyond repair, that afraid will seem thicker and harder to work through. but u cant throw every maybe and what if away…
people say they stay out of things, to not get hurt, to not hurt others. dont you think it hurts anyway? it hurts because u are so wonderful, and u give a fuck. u are so amazing and u dont care.
the most wonderful things could be waiting on the other side of that afraid… and im not saying that im something wonderful, because im not… but i couldve been. we will never know… u werent willing to give our maybe a chance.
but i was.
maybe too willing
maybe too into it from the get go.
im not insane…
this wasnt all in my head
you cant miss someone who meant nothing to you… 
and you meant something, obviously, otherwise, i wouldnt be missing you as much as i am…
this wasnt all in my head…
this wasnt all in my imagination.
but then again
this is what i do.
i build these things up in my head, and make them bigger and better.
then i start believing my head…
instead of reality
then my heart starts to follow, because my head tells it what a great idea it is.
And then I scare people of.
i freak them out, without even trying, because that’s what i do… because its in me to be over the top. to jump into relationships, even just a supposedly fun and flirty one, with everything. because i dont know how not to do that…
even when i know, in my head and heart, that i am not ready for my big, epic love. and that i know you are certainly not my big, epic love.
i still jump into the first sign of ‘like’ as if my life is depending on it… because, in all honesty, being addicted to you, to love, to heartache and heartbreak, is a whole lot safer, and healthier, than cutting, drinking and all the other useless things people get addicted to… 
I wanted a flirtation…
I wanted some fun.
but all my actions pointed to me wanting something more, something permanent. 
is this my way of ruining my own chances? is this how i safe my heart? by pretending to be overly in love, when i know its not what i want or need. 
then again…
maybe my heart knew something i didn’t. we didnt…
this letter is on the point of becoming pointless…
maybe because i know you will never read it, and i keep on writing in the hopes that the longer the letter, the bigger the chance of you seeing what is going on in this messy head of mine… 
God… every song i hear makes me think of you. why? why? why? why did we have to have so much in common?
why did you have to be so close to the guy i have been waiting for?
was this all just coincidence?
is God, faith, cupid, whatever, sitting up there laughing at me, thinking, as you are, that im some stupid little girl who actually though life was going in the right direction for her for once…
w
t
f
was this in my imagination…
was this all just in my head…
im sorry…
im sorry for thinking there was more.
im sorry for bothering you
im sorry about being so very ME
and lastly im sorry for everyone suffering through this letter…
I read somewhere once, rather regret the things you did, than the things you didn’t… 
i dont regret trying, but maybe one day you will regret that you didnt…
 
ive been thinking and i dont regret it, any of it, im sorry, sorry i made a fool of myself, sorry i thought i was actually worth ur time. but i dont regret it. i dont regret trying, i dont regret jumping when i shouldve waited. i dont regret being me, even if me was obviously not what u wanted. 
 
mostly… im sorry for being such a little girl… 
 
Maybe one day you will read this and know…
 
(this post was written a while ago… and who knows if i still mean everything said here. but it needs to get out. so I’m posting it on one of my favourite days, at my favourite time)
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Too good to be true

That’s sorta how I feel today…
Not in a bad way, or in a depro way, or even aimed at just one thing…
There is just so many good, fun things in my life at the moment, that I can’t help but sit and wait in anticipation for the shit-creek to hit me…

And in this mood even the baddish things, don’t seem so bad…

The good, happy, fun things include…
– Salary increase
– New car for The Sister
– Discovery of great new music
– Discovery of new movies
– Writing almost daily, even if its just a poem, or a letter, or one chapter in the ever evolving novel…
– Watching movies with good company
– Having semi-adult ‘sleepovers’ =]
– Being…
– Losing weight, slowly but surely
– Dyeing my hair

The bad things, that seems not so bad in the hazy golden glow of happiness…
– Being used by someone twice my age (and kinda kicking him out of my life… Which would explain how this seems ‘not so bad’)
– Knowing my movie-watching company is going back home soon…
– Not feeling all that ‘pretty’ these days
– Seeing The Sister sorta sad about lost-and-found love
– Not writing as much as I want to
– Financial issues with The Mother that just never seem to get finished…
– Not getting any compliments on the newly dyed hair

As I’m reading these over I realize how very ‘high school’ I sound, but then again. That was a simpler time, when salaries and groceries and work haven’t made an appearance yet. Now I’m sitting at work, writing and being happier than I ever was in high school…
And I think its simply because I don’t allow the little things in life screw me up anymore. I go with it.
Yes, some days I will drink too much Jack, and lose about 3 hours in which I (apparently) freak out about all the little things. But in my general, daily happiness, I don’t let these things have an effect on my. Because I am ruling this life of mine.
This is my movie, and my script won’t allow it…

Find something to be happy about today.
That two seconds of smile, of childish happiness, is so amazing, it could just change your whole day around…

Love always,
Marliz3e

See, just, see…

It takes time,

it can be awhile…

But eventually

You will see…

I was there

Ready to fall

to pieces.

Wrong time, wrong place

I guess

But I can see.

Maybe I was foolish.

Simple, to pretend.

But I once heard

We are fated to pretend.

To do as is expected

To not care

But this is me,

Calling bullshit.

Every action,

I can see a little care.

Every word,

I can see a little care.

You care.

You care much more

Than you are able to pretend away…

I try to see.

I try to pretend.

Mostly I just pretend to see…

Trying to discover me

I haven’t blogged in ages…

But I don’t feel guilty, because I didn’t have anything to say. So I would’ve just babbled for the sake of babbling (and we all know I like to babble)

So I guess me writing this means I have something to say?

Correct!

I have discovered a few things about my self since the start of 2014 and I thought I have to write them down, as this blog is as much for me as for who ever is reading this hole in the web…

  • I love falling in love. With everything…
  • I am, apparently, an emotional self-mutilator, because as mentioned above, I love falling in love…
  • A taste for Jack Daniels, Italian coffee, frozen yogurt and cereal for breakfast has been developed.
  • I write a lot better than I think I do (and I have the pride to say it now. I still don’t think I’m the best thing since JK Rowling, but at least I believe in myself now)
  • Too little people understand the fun and art of old-fashioned letter writing.
  • Sleep and reading is two very very real addictions
  • And, lastly, I don’t want to fall in love…

*bombshell* 🙂

Try making sense of that, internet…

Love always,

Marlize

Tasting colours…

Hey!!!!!

I know, I know… I am way back into the dog box! But the PC is STILL messed up and I just can’t find time to post!!!!

So here follows another randomness update on my life!!

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I’m back into writing!!! I wrote one and a half short stories this week and I have been thinking about my Afrikaans novel A LOT!!! Once my PC is fixed I will try and finish of a chapter or two!

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I had a ‘badish’ work week! It is almost time for me to hear if I am officially appointed [I was on a 3 month probation term] and due to all this stress of wanting to be appointed, I am making STUPID mistakes… Nothing major, but big enough for me to fret about!!!

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One day last week [or sometime] SuzyPie and I went out for lunch and we came about the subject of colours… How would YOU describe colour to a blind person, a person born blind!

Imagine not knowing how the sky looks like, we take it for granted… Well we came up with a solution, a rather silly idea actually, but then again, all my ideas are! =]

Tasting colours…. Think about it for a moment… What colour do you taste while eating the following???

  • CandyFloss [pink]
  • Chocolate [brown]
  • Liqourice [black]
  • Grapes [purple]
  • Strawberries or cherries [red]
  • Bubblegum [blue]

Yes I know I am weird!

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Movies watched these past few days… Burlesque: Totally utterly STUNNING!!!!!!!! And yesterday we went to go see Love and other drugs: Kinda weird to start with, but once you get the feel of the movie it is really a beautiful love story!!! And there is no better actress than Anne Hathaway!!

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I went for a driving lesson in Sister’s car… I nearly killed half the town including us and then almost thrashing her car twice!!! I was never so nervous in my live!!!! I am clearly not ready for a drivers license!!!

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Me looking STUNNING in my antique sunglasses and pwetty hair! =]

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Oky, I am all out of news! As always I will promise to try and write more, but if I fail, I am not dead! =] I am just busy!!

Love =]

 

 

Why do I keep doing this…

Every time I fall of the face of the earth, I promise you I will blog daily, I promise myself to do it! I make it my 2011 Resolution… And then, then I disappear for 3 weeks and blame myself daily for not blogging!

I do apologize! I hate not blogging, I hate not reading blogs, I hate not WRITING!

BUT!

I am proud of myself. I have a goal in life, sure it involves ‘friends’ overseas and blogs and Harems, but at least I exist for more than just existing!

In the few months [almost a year] I had this blog, I discovered the best friends ever, the love I have for postcards, flash fiction, journals, scrapbooking and general creativity. Something I always thought I lacked.

I started to see myself as a stunning person, a divine being with minor faults and loved me a lot! And you guys taught me that I am great….

This is the reasons why I constantly promise to blog daily, why I blame myself when I don’t and why I love to do this to myself…

***********************************************

Enough with the soppy!

I am back [semi] and loving it!

My PC is still broken! I am taking it in this weekend, but don’t hold your breath! Meantime I am juggling work and social life, my sister has to use her PC and the internet is constantly interrupted by weather and mice[RATS!!!] eating the wires!

SO I will blog when ever and how ever I can! But will try my hardest to get the celebrations up by Saturday!

I am also introducing a new ‘blog regime’ and a few new pages… [My resolutions and a 20 before 20 list]

If any one  [MARK!!!!!!] still wants to send me a 1000 comments  celebrations guest post, please do so before Saturdays [late entries will be added!]

Love you all!

[still trying to catch up on blogs! Have about 70 subscription e-mails in my Inbox!!!]

My apologies!!

Hey lovely readers og my blog!!!

This post is all about apologies!!!

WHY?

Well, because it is my blog and I can say what I wanna blog about! =]

  1. Apologies to Kellie for neglecting her 25 days of Christmas wish-list!
  2. Apologies to THIS guy, for still not completing his questions!!
  3. Apologies to MYSELF for not finishing my journal challenge!
  4. Apologies to all of you for not blogging so frequently!
  5. To all I need to apologize to and have forgotten/didn’t know

But I know apologies alone cannot solve the problems, so I will try do finish the journal challenge before week-end, as well as the questions [surveys] for YourJadedVoices.

As for my wishlist, I am hoping to resume regular wishing tomorrow.

For now, me and my lovely sister are going to the movies [yes AGAIN!] and I am anticipating a night of great fun!!

Be good y’all!! =]