Incapable of normality…

For so long, all I wished for is to fall in love and be swept of my feet…

For the first time ever, I am willing myself to open my eyes and realize that maybe this prospect is not for me…

You see, I was never the ‘boyfriend-girlfriend’ type of girl… Sure I had a few persons in my life before, but I once described them as ‘addiction’s to one of my friends, and I haven’t found a more suitable description yet…

My first BF, I got in high school, and three months in, I cheated on him with the guy who was my first kiss… Me and The Asshole (yes, that is his name, the guy who I cheated with) had a very confusing on-off thing going for most of high school, I fought so hard to make him love me, because I thought that’s what I wanted. There is enough people around to tell you he was one of my worst choices EVER…

When I finally got him,  just before we left high school, I was horrified. I was not ready for a long relationship, and the fact that he finally returned my ‘feelings’ freaked me out. I ran.

There was a few guys in between The Asshole and The Puppydog (his story is coming up), and I only now realized, I ran from the cute, sweet, romantic ones, straight into the arms of the horrible, non-commitment types. As if I wanted to doom the relationship before it even started. But any how…

The Puppydog, I met him just after high school, and he was probably my first glimpse at an adult-ish relationship, it sucked… He was so lovely, honestly, and I hated every second of it. The day I realized I had to break it of, was when he showed up at my door, after 2 hours on the road, with flowers, just for me, and I didn’t feel a thing, except annoyance, because now I had to actually talk to someone instead of binge-watching How I Met Your Mother…

I was single for quite a while after that, theoretically still am, but there was a few addictions along the way…

There was the Office Geek, who was so obsessed with his ex, I obviously thought he would be the best catch, and our first kiss was shared the weekend he got a new girlfriend… Awesome…

There was the Technician, who date one of my friends years ago, and with her permission, we went out a few times, and the night we shared our first kiss, he went back to share more with her…

There was a few other obsessions/mistakes along the way, the biggest and most recent of all was the Italian, whom I will never regret, but I do wish some days I weren’t so addicted to him as I were…

But my point I’m trying to make, is that I am faced with the sweetest boy ever, who on our first outing took me to feed giraffes at a roof top restaurant, and it was epic. But why do I not feel butterflies, why am I not woo’ed??? Do I need to be rejected to feel loved? Do I need to be treated like dirt to be into someone?

Then, after thinking I’m going insane, that I’m losing my mind, I realized something else… I don’t really care… I don’t miss having ‘someone’ in my life, I am perfectly happy alone…

I don’t miss the constant chatting, the sickly sweet gestures, the overly romantic gifts. The only thing I did miss in my single years was some one to hold onto, the physical side… And yeah, maybe the Italian, or the Asshole, or the Office Geek would tell you I was in love, but I’m starting to doubt in myself… In my ability to love…

I get irritated by sweet stuff, by compliments, even from the Italian, even from the Geek, who is the two guys I tried impressing the most, I wanted so much for them to notice my new hair, or my pretty dress, but when they did, it irritated me.

Maybe there is something wrong with me… Maybe this whole post is spiraling out of control and I actually have no idea what I am saying… Maybe I really am losing my mind… Maybe I did actually love those men of my past, but my way of dealing is convincing myself that I didn’t…

Well… This was a lot cheaper than a therapy session, but then again, now I have no one to give me feedback, and say, “no sweetie, you are not insane. Just mildly bonkers…”

Stay well…

This is me…

The past few weeks (months) I felt like I lost myself, like I lost ME… So instead of a love letter to people who ignore me, or a love story about my imaginary friends, here is a love letter to myself… All the things that makes me, ME…

You do you best…

I’m the girl who would rather spend time with her cats than with people

I’m the girl who loves going out, and sitting alone with a cup of coffee for three hours watching other people

I’m the girl who would rather spend five hours with one person, instead of one hour with five people

I’m the girl who likes to get drunk on cheap wine coolers as well as the girl who would never say no to that epic bottle of red wine or expensive gin.

I’m the kind of girl who likes to wear a dress and then come home and sleep naked, but then again, I’m also the kind of girl who would spend the entire day in her PJ’s binge watching Glee for the 10th time and crying every time Rachel and Finn breaks up…

I’m the girl who gets surprised when her (only) BFF asks her to be Maid of Honor

I’m the girl who says what I want, forgetting that not every one wants to hear every thought going through my head.

But, I’m also the kind of girl who says what you WANT to hear, because I am so afraid of letting some one down..

I’m the girl every one describes as a bitch, and I just think I’m hysterically sarcastic.

I’m the girl who doesn’t know her own favourite colour, but know for a fact if Oreo’s was a colour it would be that…

I’m the girl who thinks I’m fat and pretty in the same sentence.

I’m the girl who goes out to exercise once a month and diet one week a month and believe it will make a difference.

I’m the girl, at 23, who doesn’t know what she wants, where she wants to be or how to get there.

I’m the girl, who has been single for 4 years

I’m just a silly little girl, waiting for the world to give her a green light in the right direction.

Have a lovely day…

Never lose who you are….

Letting In, Letting Go

If you let people into your life a little bit, they can be pretty damn amazing.

Sherman Alexie

I shared the above quote with a long-distance friend yesterday, thinking it will have the same meaning to him as it did to me when I first read it.

To me it said, open up and let go, don’t be so uptight to let people see who YOU are, because when they get to know you, you get to know them, and chances are, they will be pretty epic… Not every one, of course, because there is some peculiar assholes in existence. But most of us homo sapiens are not so bad!

His only response… NO

After a protest from my side, obviously, I told him, there is different ways to ‘let people in’

You don’t have to LOVE them, or even let them love you. You can share, you can care, you can remember the small things.

A random message during the day because some one suddenly saw something that reminded them of me, means so much more than a big gesture, or a routine ‘good morning’-message.

You can let people in by letting go. Letting go of your presumptions. Letting go of your prejudices. Stop being so uptight about yourself.

There is so many useless little things standing in our own way. Stopping us from being happy and letting people see who we are, who we want to be in this world.

My weekly goal is to be more open.

To learn 1 new thing about the people in my life, and actually letting it mean something to me.

My monthly goal is to get 1 new friend. To let new people into my life, to be open to the possibility.

What’s your way to let new people in?

What’s your reasons for not wanting people ‘in’?

Be your own windkeeper

(Yes, I am currently re-watching Friends, for all who caught the reference)

^^ this was one of the best scene in season two! Then again, Friends is filled with wonderful scenes…

I watched this episode with the whole Windkeeper thing this morning. For those who don’t know what I’m talking about (please stop reading, I’m unfriending you ) just kidding, the whole theory is, women need to keep their own wind and stop men (the lightbearer) to steal the wind from their sails.

And, as incredibly stupid as it sounds, its true. We let men dictate our lives so easily, we dress to look good for them, we act the way we do, to impress them, we let them tell us what to do, when to do it. But we need to stop. We need to be our own Goddesses.

I had a point somewhere, but I keep getting distracted by the picture above, who would’ve guess Ross enjoyed ‘that’… Hee hee hee

That’s why I’m writing again.

To blow my own wind. I need to stop writing for him. I’ll probably always write about him, but I need to stop caring if he will read it, what he will think about it or who it will affect him. Because I am the most important person in my live, and so many people have tried to drill this thought into my head, two guys actually had me drunkenly crying a few weeks ago, because they tried to get me to see that I am amazing and need to embrace that.

Well, this is me, trying my best to be me to the fullest, not giving a crap about what any one thinks, because I am the most most important person in my live.

Thank you, for making me believe in my own epicness.

Love always,

Marlize

Top 10 things I miss most…

…now that I’m a ‘grown-up’

This post was gonna be about Him, you know who. But I grew a pair and realized there is things I miss more than the few things that accumulated in the 2 months in his company…

So, here is the top 10 things I miss most, now that I’m a ‘grown-up’, I’m using that term lightly, as I am a slightly childish person. I figure a grown-up as some one earning their own money, living in their own place (or with roommates, sister in my case) and making their own decisions.

1. Having the washing done for you – the best part of living at home!
2. Not needing to make decisions like do I need life insurance
3. People accepting you dancing around in the rain, when you are 2 it’s cute, when you are 22, people think you are drunk
4. Other people making decisions for you
5. SCHOOL HOLIDAYS!!!
6. Watching animation… There is a gap in every ones life between being a child and having a child that you can get judged at for sitting through Finding Nemo 10 times.
7. Being scared, of the dark, of  a scary movie, of the noise against your window. You are an adult, deal with it.
8. Having some one to kill the spiders and other creepers… (now I just put a plastic bowl on them and wait for some one else to get home.
9. Getting jello when I’m sick, no questions asked
10. Not getting judged when your ice cream falls and you want to cry a little.

There you have it… (I’m honestly considering the fact that I might be insane as I reread that list…)

What do you miss most??

Love always,

M

I can’t write…

I’m stuck, like an elephant in quick sand, I’m stuck.

Every time I sit in front of the PC, or pick up my journal, or try to edit my novel, or just think, okay now I’m just writing to get it out, every single time something stops me. Some one stops me.

You

The ghost of your presence

It’s horrible, quite honestly! I have always been able to write, since I realized that writing is my outlet, I wrote, about happy, about sad, about joy, about horror.

But since you left, I haven’t done much… Even my blog posts are up to shit…

I had a little (and by little I mean really big) breakdown last night and went into some unexplained hysterical crying fit, I was literally crying for 2 hours straight, with no motivation.  No explanation. Just a bottle of wine and really sad music, combine that with just a tad of PMS, and you have an uncontrollable girl, crying her eyes out alone in her flat…

Hopefully that bout of silliness got all of you out of my system, not because I want you out of my system, but it will probably be for the best…

Its horrible…

I will try writing (sense) again soon, till then, be good..

Love always,

M

Stuck in a fantasy

The last week and a half, I was in Cape Town, a first for me, and with out a doubt my new favourite place.

I fell in love with every bit of CT, Table mountain, the spectacular view from every corner you are at, the friendly people, the FOOD! God, the food!!! And, of course, the wine… I keep joking that I turned into a well-functioning alcoholic, but that’s not new news =]

I was amazed by how much good CT did my soul, sitting on Table mountain, drinking coffee with a raven for company and a view to die for. Sitting in a little hip street cafe with new friends and talking for hours about everything and nothing. Riding around on top of a tour bus, seeing every corner of CT without a care in the world. And writing… Not actual words on paper, still a bit blocked there, but the ideas forming in my head.

I will put up some photos later, for now I’m gonna try to not get yanked out of my fantasy mood =]

Love Always

M

 

You’re not always right…

I’m a bit stuck in my writing ways (let’s blame it on my muse) and when I saw todays’ Write Now prompt, I knew it was meant to yank me out of my writing rut.

So here goes nothing…

Prompt – 

He closed his eyes and let his head loll back — he’s gotten it wrong again.

 

“You’re not always right, you know,” she jokes with a smile and takes a sip of her Jack on the rocks. They sit in silence, staring up at the stars as the words hang between them. He knowing it’s not a complete jest and her knowing it’s going to get a reaction sooner or later. He hates being wrong…

 

He sucks on the Marlboro hanging between his fingers and glares at her sideways, “yes?” he says, formed as a question, that could mean everything and nothing, and she knows he wants her to elaborate before he gives a reaction.

 

“You think that I’m just messing around, I’m not. I’m not serious, but I’m not messing around. And also, old man… I’m not a little girl anymore, I can handle myself.”

 

Another dose of silence follows, she hates this, he knows, but he enjoys seeing the frustration building behind that ever-changing greenish eyes of hers. He studies her faces, trying to get a read, but as usual, he comes up blank. He usually pretends his way out of these situations with her, going about as if he knows her thoughts, but not really having a clue, good thing for him is that she usually shares it sooner or later, sometimes without even knowing. 

 

Another drag on the Marlboro, another sip of Jack and then he speaks, noticing that her eyes are on the point of going bright green, a sure sign that she is getting annoyed, or horny. He could work with both.

 

“So your point, crazy cat lady?” 

 

She rolls her eyes and he hides a grin behind his whiskey tumbler.

 

“My point, grumpy old man, is that you shouldn’t make assumptions over what I’m feeling. I am NOT in love with you, who could be? You’re arrogant, you’re selfish, you’re stubborn, you’re pretentious and you NEVER show interest. And no, what just happen in there,” she jerks a thumb towards the bedroom, “doesn’t count as ‘showing interest’. It just means we were both here, and willing.”

 

 “Yes?” he replies and she slams her glass down on the table

 

“What does ‘yes…’ mean? Say something!”

 

“You are too young. And naive. It’s not a bad thing. But at this moment, it’s not a good thing.”

 

She close her eyes and lean back, her hand rubbing the small of her neck, a sure sign that she is gonna lose it soon. He traces a finger up the seam of her jeans, and scratches back down. He feels the muscles of her leg tightening and knows, he’s got her back. He hates it when she goes on these missions to try to figure out what is happening. 

He enjoys her, and that’s that, what more does she needs? And even if she needs more and won’t get it, he knows she won’t walk out of this room. She never has before…

 

She grabs his hand and their eyes connect over the table, through cigarette smoke and mist.

 

“I’m done, old man.”

 

And she’s gone… Bewildered he looks around, not believing she would leave. Not her. 

But it’s true, she got tired of his games… 

His head lolls back and he looks up to the sky, to the stars she loved so much.

He was wrong. Twice in one evening.

First, in believing she wouldn’t leave

and, secondly, in believing it wouldn’t hurt if she did…

 

“I’m done, old man,” her words echo in his head as he drowns her with Jack.

 

Please note, the above is FICTION… 

 

Love Always,

M

My biggest fears…

I never thought of myself as person with crippling fears, sure there’s the spiders, grasshoppers and snakes.

But I don’t think one of them is enough to get me to freak out incredibly, I mean most of them can be resolved by just relaxing, getting rid of the anxiety rushing through your chest and backing of slowly, but we all want to react immediately, and that’s usually when they attack.

We watched Divergent last week (I watched it twice, it was THAT good), which would explain the fear conversation in my head. And I was thinking, what would come out if I were to be tested like Tris and Four…

I fear death…

I know most people do, but I fear it in two parts;

1- I fear my own death, not because of the actual dying part and the ‘what comes after’-scenario, but the part where I’m afraid of being forgotten… Which is one of the reasons I write… A friend once used the words; “in fifty years, a part of your soul will be on a bookshelf in some one’s house, and they will know you, or a part of you” THAT is why I write. To not be forgotten, to not just be another soul passing through. I’m not afraid to die, I’m afraid no one will remember me after…

2-I fear your death… Every one in my live, small or big part, will die some day… I know, believe me, I know… And I hate having that knowledge… Daddy died with no warning, it was a normal Saturday evening, and we, The Sister and I, went to a movie, because we didn’t want to spend another night with the parents… When we got back we played my mom a really funny song, and she said ‘remember to play that for your dad’ and I said, ‘yeah, yeah, tomorrow.’ I never got my tomorrow…

That’s the reason I fear your death, I fear that I will never get a tomorrow, I will never say all the things I need to say, and I think that’s why I get a bit too much some days or, on the other hand, why I get a little distant some days.

Life is unpredictable, I know that, and I hate that, so now I say what I want to say…

Sister, you mean the world to me, and I will NEVER love some one as much as I love you. NEVER.

Friends, all of you, you make every day better, with a shared smile, with an inside joke, with random acts that no one outside will ever get. I love you till the ends of the earth, that includes you, SweetyPie

Old loves, old friends, sorry about all the fights, maybe I meant them, maybe I over reacted, but if I needed you in my life, you would’ve been here now. I tried fighting for you, but you never fought to stay.

New loves, new friends, thank you for entering my existence, I think if I were to lose you now, I would miss you the most, as I had so little time with you. And still, it seems like it doesn’t mean as much to you as to me.

I don’t know how to cope with these fears, mostly, I hide them away, because that’s the easiest way of dealing with anything (and the worse way)

What is your fears, and how do you cope?

Love always,

M

300?! Holy crap on a cracker…

I just noticed something (she’s lying! She’s been waiting for this day all week!) Please ignore my irritating inner voice, she has no idea what she is talking (Does TOO!) Hush, now! Here, have a G’nT

The previous post was number 300!!!

All of this madness started almost exactly 4 years ago (3 May 2010) with this post, and boy did I go a long way from there…

I just want to say, thank you… To everyone reading, to everyone commenting, to all my different inspirations, to all my muses and mostly, to all those who actually think I’m worth something as a writer… Because these days, I don’t really think I’m worth a lot…

But the blog keeps me going, and after leaving it to hibernate for almost a year, I am so happy I started up again, so thank you…

Enjoy your Easter, lovely bunnies and keep reading, commenting and liking…

Love Always,

M